So this is the time of year when all of the nation’s news writers do their “2003: Year in Review” articles. Then the really smart writers flip it around and do “2004 in preview” to be different.
But the writers in that second camp don’t have what I have: Miss Cleo on speed dial. I called up Youree Cleomili Harris (or, as I call her, “You”) and asked her to tell us what’s going to happen in ’04. It only cost me $5.95 per minute. Without further ado, here’s what the psychic told me:
In January, Oregon will be buried under yet another blizzard, prompting Gov. Ted Kulongoski to declare a “state of Minnesota.” Confused Oregonians will grab handfuls of the white stuff and sprinkle it on their Cheerios, thinking it’s sugar.
In February, the American government takes a cue from M&Ms and scraps the colors in the “national threat level” scale. After a period of only black and white threat levels, the government decides on new colors “seashell green,” “taupe” and “lightning yellow,” among others. In another bold move, the Department of Homeland Security raises the threat level to “khaki” and outlaws all air travel. Greyhound stock shoots through the roof.
In March, plans for Oregon’s new basketball arena are finalized. The arena and accompanying parking structure take up 12 city blocks and plans call for a massive Nike swoosh to adorn the arena roof. Phil Knight says, “We want the Martians to know the meaning of ‘Just Do It.’ And buy lots of LeBron James’ shoes.” Destruction of campus buildings starts immediately. Only the Knight Library and Knight Law School are spared by the wrecking balls.
In April, the Democrats form a “Super Loser” team of Al Gore, Joseph Lieberman, Dick Gephardt and Michael Dukakis. The SL team, using the strength of the “nerd” vote, crushes Howard Dean in the Wisconsin and Pennsylvania primaries. Vermont native Dean splits from the Democratic Party, forms the “Ben and Jerry’s Party” and starts naming his campaign issues after ice cream flavors like “Chubby Hubby” and “One Sweet Whirled.”
In May, Kobe Bryant is convicted of rape and goes to jail “for at least six Lakers championships.” Deciding this is perfect presidential behavior, the people of North Carolina go to the polls and Bryant wins that state’s primary.
In June, I graduate. Later, suckers!!!
In July, Arnold Schwarzenegger, responding to the “wishes of the public,” attempts to literally break Bryant out of jail with an uzi on each arm. President Bush raises the national threat level to “magenta” and calls in the super crime-fighting team of Jack Bauer and Sydney Bristow to stop Schwarzenegger and Bryant. After the most improbable 24 hours in the history of the world, Bauer subdues Schwarzenegger when he finds out that Schwarzenegger is only using props from the “Terminator” movies.
In August, the snow in Eugene finally melts, flooding the town from end to end. After the flood subsides, Oregon students emerge from their apartments and attempt to make up 32 credits during summer session.
In September, Michael Jackson is convicted on 18 counts of “being creepy” and is sent to jail “until there are no more children on the Earth.” Taking a cue from Tupac and Biggie, Jackson continues to make music, and his album “Life After Bubbles,” recorded in jail, sells 30 million copies.
In October, hundreds of Oregon students who have been cooped up all winter and spring relieve the tension by rioting on Halloween for the first time in several years. Eugene residents proclaim, “Finally! Things are right in the world again!”
In November, millions of teenagers use their cell phones to text-message their votes for president. Clay Aiken wins the presidency in a landslide. Aiken calls it the ultimate vindication for losing out to Ruben Studdard on “American Idol.”
In December, Aiken, in his first act as president, appears before the United Nations and sings “I Will Carry You” from his album “Measure of a Man.” Headlines the next day scream “WORLD PEACE!” but Eugene residents never read those headlines. The town is, once again, buried underneath several inches of snow.
What a year! Miss Cleo told me she’s accurate with her predictions to within 2 percent, so expect all this stuff to happen. And I’ll see you in 2005! Maybe.