I woke up Sunday morning heart racing, hands sweaty and my phone within arms reach. Before I even had the chance to reach the Internet, I received a text from my roommate warning me of the prognosis, and asking me if I was doing ok. 

When I read the news, I felt like I might throw up. My vision went blurry and a single glistening tear rolled down my cheek. Is this some sort of sick joke? Some prank that a moral enemy has pulled against me? I refreshed the page over and over, hoping there might be an error and that at any minute there would be a breaking news update to correct this. Punxatawney Phil had made his judgment: six more weeks of winter. 

Unfortunately, not everyone followed Groundhog Day as closely as I, because even after I heard the news, friends were still expressing concerns about a long winter. They were living in a world of beautiful, ignorant bliss. 

I knew there could be a chance for alternative answers coming from one of the many prognosticating groundhogs around the country. Although Punxatawney Phil is the most famous groundhog, he happens to be 17th on NOAA’s ranking of most accurate prognosticators with an accuracy rate of 35%. 

So, I took to the internet and searched for the country’s most accurate groundhog, Staten Island Chuck, who is accurate 85% of the time. To my surprise, Staten Island Chuck did not see his shadow, indicating an end to winter. 

I felt a mix of relief and betrayal over Phil leading me astray. He had put me on an emotional rollercoaster that morning. For a brief period, I thought I might have to endure more winter, but with Staten Island Chuck’s decree of a rapidly approaching spring, my anxieties were put at ease. I pumped my fist in the air and lined up a shot of tequila to celebrate. 

One of my dear friends sent me a message saying, “If f*ck ass Phil deems us 6 more weeks of winter I might die.” I didn’t appreciate the use of explicit language toward Phil, but I understood the high emotions. It was evident that the consumption of Phil’s misinformation was beginning to become a public health crisis. Luckily, I informed them of the news and put their sweet, gullible minds to rest. 

The cherry on top of a fantastic Groundhog Day was having family and friends shower me with groundhog love. Of course, these sentiments were entirely out of the pureness of their hearts and not at all because I threatened to cut ties with them if they didn’t wish me a happy Groundhog Day.

Let this be your reminder to check your sources because you might be led astray.