Opinion: The name is just perhaps a tad bit aggressive given that it is a piece of cloth. It’s time for the public to come to a consensus on a new name, and it can only be one of my ideas because I said so.
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I wake up in the middle of July and the sun is already beating through the windows of my room. I have to get dressed, but putting on anything will just make it hotter than it already is. So, I go through my drawer and pull out a thin white cotton tank top, which should keep me cool through the day. I put it on, and then it hit me (a realization, not the shirt): it’s called a wife-beater. “Aw man, but I don’t want to be a domestic abuser,” I complain.

The revelation is belated, my reputation already blemished, all due to my choice of attire. The people spit at my feet as I walk past. It’s not fair, I shouldn’t have the mark of a monster just for trying to stay cool.

The alleged and unconfirmed origin comes from one James Hartford Jr. who, in 1947, was arrested for fatally assaulting his own wife. His bloodstained white tank top he wore in the mugshot published by news outlets became infamously iconic with the deed. See, I love when things have a cute little history of how they got their name. 

Perhaps in days before, alongside stereotypes of beer-stained potbelly’s with short tempers, the colloquial name for those who wore these shirts was valid vilification. Though, after years of that being socially synonymous with the shirt, the name stuck. 
Now with its isochronous resurgence in contemporary summer fashion and the revisitation of the conversation around the name, it’s time we settle on a new tag. This way, I can go about my summer morning without being labeled as a felon.

I present a list of names my PR team conceptualized in order to help preserve my image after wearing a wife-beater.

The “Woman Defender”

You know when some brand or organization gets caught being problematic or offensive to marginalized communities and their apology is an attempt to have the problem simply overlooked? Like NASCAR selling “YAAASCAR” t-shirts during pride when they’ve historically put the fastest homophobes in the country behind the wheel, or Amazon stating solidarity against violence to Black communities while literally shipping Nazi flags. This is what this rename feels like: a nice corporate-issued 180 so the angry mobs will leave us alone.

The name might not be very fluid and everyone will still remember the “wife-beater” transgressions, but at least the statement is made that we firmly stand together in support of non-violence against women here at Wife-Beater LLC.

Just “Beater”

This choice is much more basic sonically and conveniently derivative, making it seem like the natural evolution for the name of the shirt. Afterall, if there is no target for the offense in the name, no one can take direct offense to it. It’s rational, simple: take away the subject — wife — and make the assaulting tendencies rated E for everyone. Hooray for equality.

However, the problem in this option is the ambiguity. Who, or dare I say what, does the shirt claim you beat? It’s very open-ended, no? Especially if you refer to something or someone as a “beater,” the rest shouldn’t be up to interpretation. 

The “White Knight”

This name follows along similar lines as “woman defender” but with a truly genuine though unprompted apology. I imagine the wearers of these tank tops walking around and truly envisioning themselves as the keeper of women in all their patronizing protection, all in an effort to reverse the perception of “wife-beaters.” A boyfriend could be harmlessly and playfully wrestling with their girlfriend and here comes Josh with that white tank-top shouting “Hey! You’re hurting her.”

I think the point is not to be woman-apologists, but to just not claim you attack them by the name of your shirt. But I’m not sure, I couldn’t know what they want: they’re women. No, I will not ask one for what they think, as I am scared.

The “Abuser Bruiser”

Now this is a 180 I can get behind. It’s jarring to hear at first, sure, but that’s the point of any warning. I say we flip the script: do nothing to censor the violence of the name and instead point it at those who deserve it. As to the point as it can get, personally I like “bruiser” for short.

For legal reasons, my PR team is telling me I need to clarify I’m not calling for violence against domestic abusers. What I can say is it would make for a much cooler mugshot than Hartford’s.

“Mastercrafted Light Armor of the Linen Plains”

Forged with cotton, this legendary armor of myth will offer the wearer a buff of +5 speed and stamina while losing -5 durability and charm while speaking to the elderly.

Definitely not “That Rag”

Okay, very funny and whatever, but it isn’t. It definitely isn’t. Why would I wear it out if I used it for that? No, I wouldn’t wear it inside at home either, I’m just saying. I don’t use it for that! Stop looking at me like that!
The “Bro Tank”
Have you ever heard a man over the age of 14 call a tank top this? I wish I hadn’t, either.

“Terry”

I think it sounds nice.