Biking is great. It’s fun, invigorating and you can travel to your destination in a timely manner. With the breeze on your face and legs pumping away, it’s hard to imagine why someone would choose to not bike. Nonetheless, once you start biking, both pedestrians and cars become annoying. The same goes for the other way around: once you’re the driver, all things concerning people and bikers drive you crazy.
Pedestrian, biker, driver – we’ve all been one of these at some point and yet, the moment we do one, the other two simply become a nuisance. It’s like our memories as the other two personas are wiped clean and we are left analyzing our place in the world from only one point of view. It is entirely frustrating and an unavoidable circumstance.
So, since the inevitable situation of completely forgetting what life is like as a pedestrian or driver as you peddle down the road, here are seven easy ways to become the ultimate obnoxious biker:
Don’t use hand signals: In this case, feel free to turn left, right, backwards, diagonal, or whatever is comfortable for you. Don’t bother letting cars know which way you are turning because they should be watching for you, right? You’re the little person in this situation, just minding your own business on your bike.
Ride two…or three…or four abreast: The best way to ruin a driver’s day, is to bike in a large group. Be very careful that you don’t follow each other in a straight line because then you would be accommodating the cars and their respective lane. You definitely want to bike side-by-side to ignite the maximum level of frustration in a driver.
Don’t stop at stop signs: Please, you don’t need to stop. You’re a bike and if a car is already in the intersection, well, it’s on them to stop. Feel free to peddle right past that bright, red sign and mosey on past all the cars. Oh and the pedestrians can wait because that stop sign means nothing to you.
Don’t follow the rules of the road: honestly, it’s a car’s duty to be aware of your orientation on the road. Don’t worry about stoplights because cars will be in more trouble if they hit you, than if you were to rear-end them. In fact, try biking against the flow of traffic. You’ll hear a plethora of honking horns. Bike on the sidewalk while you’re at it. You might tempt a mom to curse in front of her toddle that you will probably almost hit. Finally, try texting as you bike and snag the attention of cars, people and the authorities. That’s quite the trifecta.
Ignore pedestrians because you’re a bike, not a car. Right?: A walking person should mean nothing to you because (1) you are bigger and therefore have more power, and (2) you aren’t a car and thus have a smaller window of opportunity in which you could severely injure someone. Take your chances and gamble a little.
NEVER stay in the bike lane. Ride just outside of it: The bike lane is not that big. It’s a crime against the biking community to force thin, two-wheeled devices to remain on the inside of the white line. To protest this lack of respect, bike just outside of the lane. In one swift move you are clearly “voicing” your opinion and turning angry drivers into livid, seething humans that can do no more than shout at you as they drive by.
No hands on the handlebar: This obnoxious move makes drivers extremely anxious and each pedestrian thinks you’re the show-off who might get hit by a car. Furthermore, no one cares that you can ride with your hands at your side. You just think they do. So, why not do it anyway?