Disclaimer: This is a part of our satirical Shallot series. All content is unbelievably fake.
Last week, many students saw a giant sea turtle occupying a space in the EMU Amphitheater@@http://emu.uoregon.edu/schedule_main.php@@ as a part of the Oregon Student Public Interest Research Group’s campaign against Eugene’s plastic bag use.@@http://sustainability.uoregon.edu/sustainability-database/oregon-student-public-interest-research-group@@
What went originally unreported, however, is that the turtle actually mutated to its current size by a storm of plastic bags last year.
An anonymous source told the Emerald that Reginald, the large turtle, barely survived as his family was swept up in the plastic bag flood.
So now Reggie, as he is known among his community, is led around the Northwest spreading the dangers of disposable plastic bag use in large cities. At certain events, he is afforded speaking time so he can tell his story to larger crowds. He claims he didn’t have enough time in Eugene for the usual routine but still enjoyed his time here.
“Yeah, man, we got the chance to spread some awareness, man,” Reggie said. “I think, dude, this would, like, be a great place to keep spreading our message, you know?”
Reggie also opposes the stereotype of all sea turtles having surfer accents.
“Yeah, man, this perception is what’s keeping The Man in the business of keeping the turtle down with his plastic tools of oppression, man” he said.
Plastic bags were recently banned in Portland, and proponents within OSPIRG would like to see such a ban statewide, or at least in Eugene as well. According to work within the group, more mutant turtles are likely to come ashore if such action is not taken. Recent plastic creation has involved an unspecified “ooze” that has been known to create mutations. Splinter, a giant rat and a New York specialist in the field, said he had seen some of it before, but never on this scale.
“Whatever is being done to bring such things about must be stopped,” Splinter said. “Unless we want to be overrun with angry mutants.”
Reggie is not upset with plastic bag users, but would like to see a change in Oregon that might spread beyond Oregonians.
“This is my call in life: to spread this message and bring an end to the plastic scourge, threatening my — and really our — way of life,” he said.
OSPIRG spokespeople said they plan to bring Reggie back to campus but haven’t been able to schedule his next visit yet.