From the cars and Barbies we played with as children to the movies we watch as adults, gender stereotypes are deeply ingrained in our culture. We know the ones: men like rolling in the dirt and playing football; women value chick flicks and all things frilly and pink. A male’s demeanor is aggressive, while a female’s is fragile and soft. Women are emotional, men emotionally reserved.
And, no other phrase better encapsulates these differences than the memorable: “men are from Mars, women are from Venus.”
John Gray, the author of the book “Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus — a practical guide for improving communication and getting what you want in your relationships,” is notorious for coining that famous line, as well as possibly fueling gender roles in our society.
The intro to the book reads: “Once upon a time Martians and Venusians met, fell in love, and had happy relationships together because they respected and accepted their differences. Then they came to Earth and amnesia set in: They forgot they were from different planets.”
Gray goes on to explain the differences between Venus and Mars, males and females, throughout his book. In Chapter three titled: “Men Go to Their Caves and Women Talk,” Gray says that men can’t express their emotions, therefore they retreat when confronted with difficult situations, whereas women need to express themselves and therefore become “emotionally involved.” In other words, during hard times, women become emotional wrecks and men become emotionless zombies.
Then, in Chapter four, “How to Motivate the Opposite Sex,” Gray says the male instinct is to look after himself; it is easy, or even normal, for a man to sacrifice the feelings of others for his own. Not surprisingly, he then says it is in a female’s nature to sacrifice her feelings for the happiness of others. So, according to Gray, if a man is being selfish, we should cut him some slack, ladies. He’s just a man, after all.
If we searched for one line that pretty much summarized Gray’s take on the male/female dichotomy, it would be this one found in Chapter eight: “Inside every man is a knight in shining armor seeking a damsel in distress who will love him, and shower him with trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval, and encouragement. Deep inside every woman is a damsel in distress seeking a knight in shining armor who will love her, and shower her with caring, understanding, respect, devotion, validation, and reassurance.”
However, life isn’t like a Disney movie. And we don’t live in a world so black and white. The way we behave in relationships — the way we react to hardships and to pleasure — are influenced by many factors: the way our fathers acted, our mothers, our friends. We are products of our culture, more so than our biology, and each is equally difficult to assess.
So why is Gray’s famous phrase so popular? The answer is simple: humans want answers. We seek clear, tidy explanations for the most complicated and messy of subjects. And, in this case, Gray’s answer appears so simple and clear, it becomes enticing: if there is evidence of men and women behaving differently, it must be due to the fact we are different genders. Of course!
However, Gray’s mentality is incomplete. Perhaps this has never crossed his mind, but could it be the mere thought: “men are this way, women are that,” that leads us to behave in gender-specific ways? A self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts?
And, if one did agree that our lives are largely determined by what’s between our legs, how would you explain the many women in the world who have a harder time connecting emotionally than some men? How would you explain the many men who are more sensitive than women? Does this make them more “woman” and less “man?” Should they be transported back to Mars, to Venus, and learn the right “ways” of their sex?
No. Rather than limiting ourselves to roles based on our given gender, we should consider ourselves as human beings — all more similar than not — that hailed from the same planet: planet Earth. And we’ve been here all along.