Kate Beckinsale@@http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000295/@@ continues to try and kill her acting career as she reprises her role as a “Death Dealer” vampire in the latest chapter of the Underworld franchise, “Underworld: Awakenings.” And it was in 3-D!
A quick note: The 3-D phenomenon has become a tired film business model. Making something in 3-D doesn’t make it watchable. When I vomit, that’s in 3-D, too, and I only had to pay four bucks for a bottle of Night Train fortified bum wine — and I experienced 20 percent less regret. Don’t ask me how I determined this measurement. I can assure you, it was for science. The 3-D was hardly noticeable most of the time.
The movie begins with the world of humans having discovered that werewolves and vampires exist in their midst, and going on a genocidal spree to kill all of the monsters they can find. Just how the humans found out these monsters existed when they were trying so hard to hide in plain sight is never explained, but you’d think that would be a big deal. Why leave out such a big chunk of the story?@@hmm@@
There is a daughter that’s half-hybrid and half-vampire (meaning she’s like, 75 percent vampire), with Beckinsale’s character having “given birth” to her during her years in captivity toward the beginning of the film. Nerd alert: OK, so, if you’re in cryo-stasis, how the hell are you going to give birth to a weird, mostly vampire baby? Subquestions: Was she surgically removed? How do you operate on a vampire? It’s not like there are a whole lot of chances to practice or a special medical school for this. And no, you can’t answer, “Maybe the evil scientist villain did a whole bunch of it when he was doing evil scientist stuff on other vampires.” Question 2: I thought vampires were undead. How could they even procreate?@@necrophelia@@ Especially with a half-vampire/half-werewolf? Question 3: Vampires don’t need to breathe to live, but why are they constantly being knocked out by gas in this film?@@doh!@@ I call B.S. They just need to drink blood to survive and stay away from all of those things that kill them. That’s it. They’re undead. Undead! We’re dealing with the de facto, industry-standard vampire here!
Some of the action was neat, and the performances were solid. I never rolled my eyes at any of the line delivery. The lines themselves, however, were a different matter.
The dialog was atrocious. We had to be told by a character, “These things killed my son,” as a weird aside in the middle of a conversation, instead of being shown or it being alluded to with visual cues. You get the feeling that the character who says this line ruins biannual, interoffice functions by bringing it up:
“I need those TPS reports by Friday. By the way, these things killed my son.”
“OK … that’s too bad …” (awkward shuffling of papers)
Speaking of story, one of the cowriters of this film was J. Michael Straczynski,@@http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0833089/@@ writer of “Babylon 5” and many comic books such as “Rising Stars” and “Midnight Nation.” (If you get the chance to read “Midnight Nation,” do it. It’s awesome.) This man obviously has a great deal of talent, and his story telling prowess is top-notch. Of course, he also penned some episodes of “Walker, Texas Ranger.”@@ouch …    http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0106168/@@ Really, though, knowing he had a hand in this abomination of a film (and “Walker, Texas Ranger”) is a lot like walking in on your parents doing it. You love them, but this is something they should never do. Ever. Block it out of your mind.
Stories should have theme. For example, the theme of “Lord of the Rings”: Even one person can make a difference, no matter how small. The theme of “Die Hard”: Endurance — and jumping off the top of an exploding building with a fire hose wrapped around your waist — is bad-ass. The theme of “Underworld: Awakenings”: Actually do what your father tells you and hide because your friends couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn being attacked by werewolves with a firearm if they were standing inside it, and your ideas to fight back are stupid. The theme of this review: Avoid this movie unless you have money to burn and/or have been drinking Night Train.@@nice tie to beginning@@
Grade: C-