Soaking up the sun, ladies are lying half-naked in the grass. That is the first sign of spring, and as of last week, my estimate is that it’s almost summer.
All you chubbies, listen up. I’ve come up with a pentathlon to help you lose that freshman 15 (or more) so that when you walk by those ladies, they’ll say, “Hey, Jerome (or insert name here), you good lookin’ stud. Wanna come over and play on my Slip’n Slide?”
The first event in Shawn’s work-it-’til-it-busts pentathlon is watching a “game” of Dance Dance Revolution. I cannot walk past a duo of the nation’s elite who are sweating in a battle of DDR without cracking up. Five minutes of observing should give the abs a great workout. For added fun, chant “dance, dance, dance, dance” continuously at the competitors.
Next, it’s time for the mustache grow. I know this event takes a while. But give it a few days, and in no time women will be smiling every time you walk by. Sometimes they even giggle. The only glitch is that if you read this on the Oregon State campus, this may become more of a competition between you and the ladies rather than just a guy thing. I don’t know what they eat up there, but those girls are beasts. No wonder they won the right to be nicknamed the Beavers.
That brings me to my next event: kidnap a gay sheep, which can also bring trouble if on the Oregon State campus. They have more practice, but if you want to get in shape, I can imagine there is no better way to work the legs than to hunt down, tackle and stuff a sheep in your car.
Picking on mall safety teams is the best use of time to get your lungs in shape. While you may not care about your inner body and want to focus solely on improving your muscles, once you accidentally, or purposely, hit on a chick with a buff boyfriend, you’d better be in shape to run. Realize that mall security is used to the name-calling and general games that teenagers play on them. So how do you pick on such crafty individuals who are known as mall security? You figure it out. I’m not going to give those “officers” a reason to boot my car.
Focusing on your arms is the last area of emphasis to lure the ladies. To do this, simply carry the books of any woman who you see walking around the campus. Oh, that’s so sweet. I know it is, and so do the ladies. And don’t just grab ’em: Come up with some clever line when you walk up to the ladies. Say something like, “I noticed your back muscles were spasming, so how about I help you deliver that heavy load?” Trust me, it’s not only good for your arms, but it helps your image as well. And if you are taking advice from this column, you probably need that help.
These five events begin today. First place earns a vote of confidence from me. Second place and beyond, keep your mustaches, the ladies will come around.