This is supposed to be one of those trash-talking columns where I rag on how bad Oregon’s uniforms look and brag about how dominant USC will be Saturday.
I’d love to write that column. And I still won’t hesitate to write that those uniforms look as bad as Charlie Weis in a leotard.
Are 384 jersey combinations really necessary? (And no, I didn’t make up that number.) When is the fashion show? Does Oregon reapply its makeup in the huddle? Has Nike designed matching purses yet? How about some stilettos? I heard those go nicely with shoulder pads…
But I can’t write that column. I can’t write that the Trojans will plow through the Ducks like a linebacker through Joe Paterno’s knee. (Too graphic or too soon?)
I just don’t have that kind of arrogance about this football team anymore.
I wrote that kind of stuff last year. I wrote that kind of stuff after the Arkansas game this year. I thought that kind of stuff after USC toyed with Nebraska.
But then something changed.
At first the close games were fun. They reminded me that I could feel something in my stomach even if I wasn’t hungry or getting punched. They were my Pinocchio moments. I felt like a real fan.
But then Arizona State overcame a 21-0 deficit faster than Rasheed Wallace can pick up a technical foul.
That didn’t happen to the USC I knew. Tiger doesn’t mess around with an 18-handicapper, especially when he has him dormie.
Sure, USC still won the game, went into its bye 6-0 at the halfway point of the season and said that everything would finish happily every after.
But it sounded as phony as Shaq complimenting Kobe.
And it was.
USC showed off its two weeks of preparation for Oregon State by falling behind 33-10 midway through the third quarter.
By the time the real USC showed up, its national title hopes rested on just one play.
That fourth quarter USC would kill Oregon. It would kill any team. Five years from now, any general manager in the NFL would kill to have wide receivers Dwayne Jarrett and Steve Smith on the same team.
But I can’t tell you if that team is going to show up.
I can’t guarantee a win against Oregon, California, Notre Dame or UCLA.
I wouldn’t be surprised if USC won its last four games. And I wouldn’t be surprised if it lost them all.
Not exactly the greatest trash-talking. This column is the equivalent of yelling an insult, only to botch it by stuttering.
But if USC has sent a message with its play this year, it has been delivered in broken English.
Every team in the Pac-10 not named Stanford has pestered USC late in the fourth quarter. There’s no reason to think Oregon can’t do the same.
But no matter how much makeup is involved, Charlie Weis will never look good in a leotard.
Kevin Merfeld is a staff writer for the Daily Trojan.