Today the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change is set to release a draft of its much-anticipated report on global warming. The report, six years in the making, echoes growing fears in the scientific community that our planet is about to get very sticky and very icky – and it’s pretty much our fault.
Data compiled by 2,500 scientists from more than 130 countries predicts rising temperatures and sea levels, droughts, floods, and severe weather systems that will surely be misinterpreted as signs from God by the 700 Club.
So why is this our fault? The rising global temperature is being attributed to greenhouse gasses produced by fossil fuels, and the United States is the world’s leader in fossil fuel emissions.
But maybe we’re looking at all this the wrong way. What some party-pooper scientists insist is a downward spiral toward our global demise might actually be a myriad of new opportunities presenting themselves. Imagine all the fun new twists to the holiday seasons global warming would bring: Kids gathering by the swimming pool on an eighty degree Christmas morning, giddy for the arrival of Manta Claus – half manta ray, half Santa Claus. He’d be cute, relatively harmless, and co-sponsored by SeaWorld and the Department of Homeland Security. Or how about 4th of July celebratory volcanic eruptions? Nothing says “Happy Birthday America” like molten lava and a few layers of volcanic ash.
These commercial opportunities aren’t just limited to rising temperatures. The slew of additional hurricanes and flooding will pave the way for a bevy of hip new reality shows. Can you imagine Gary Coleman, Flavor Flav and one of Alec Baldwin’s less talented brothers strapped with helmet cams, running for their lives from the wreckage of a category five hurricane? How could anyone not want to watch that? Fans could even vote to cast members off the last floating piece of driftwood.
But let’s get serious for a moment. Future enemies in the war on terror will not let a little global warming come between them and their hatred of freedom. Our armed forces are going to have to adapt. That’s where New Mexico comes in. The last new thing New Mexico did was claim its independence from old Mexico, but now it will play a pivotal role in fighting tyranny and preserving democracy around the world.
According to the report, Global warming will see New Mexico’s summer temperatures rise to near-uninhabitable levels. Those who don’t die or move away will be forced to adjust their lifestyles to that of a wandering desert nomad-not entirely unlike the Middle East. Therefore I propose that every July U.S. troops invade New Mexico, topple the local government and establish a fledgling democracy. Then we can leave and do it again next July. By the time a real conflict arises, we’ll be able to pull it off with our eyes closed.
And the benefits extend far beyond the military. Humanitarian efforts such as reducing world poverty will be greatly aided by global warming; water scarcity will spread from third world countries to developed, industrial nations, killing off the Earth’s natural resources and plunging the entire world into poverty. And if everyone’s poor, no one is poor. The medical community will benefit as well, as the sun’s scorching rays will eliminate the dreaded albino gene from the gene pool once and for all.
President Bush isn’t a big fan of all this global warming talk. Recent reports have revealed that the Bush administration has actively interfered with scientists researching climate change, going as far as to prevent some from even saying the term “global warming” in public. But with the release of the IPCC’s study reinforcing what a growing number of people already know, and industrial powerhouses like General Electric and BP oil jumping on the climate change bandwagon, the administration is finding itself hard-pressed to ignore the issue much longer.
Still, the difference between acknowledging the severity of the problem and taking steps to fix it is huge. The Kyoto Treaty requires member nations to reduce their greenhouse gas emissions. More than 160 countries have ratified the treaty; the United States isn’t one of them. If you’re concerned for the health of the environment, then today’s news is certainly troubling. But if you’re excited for the series premiere of Celebrity Hurricane, today might just be your lucky day.
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