So what happens when you’re glued to the TV between the World Cup and the oil spill? I keep seeing Republican politicians and media hosts make fun of soccer, euh, I mean football, as an un-American sport. Some even called it international socialism. Is this a strategy to make people (who share their ignorance for the sport and/or hatred for the rest of the world) like them more? Let me tell you why most Americans don’t get the biggest sport on the planet.
Sure, there are fewer goals in soccer than in other American sports, such as football, basketball and even baseball and hockey. But let’s be fair; in football, you can score up to six points for every scoring attempt, and what would basketball scores be like if all baskets were worth one point? How can you compare 90 minutes of soccer with nine innings of baseball, the longest and most boring national sport on TV? But even if we manipulate the score and the clock, there are still fewer goals in soccer than in other sports. Could that be why it’s the most popular sport on Earth?
In the NBA, MLB and NHL playoffs, teams play against each other up to seven games before moving to the next round. Is this why the NFL playoffs and March Madness are more popular? Soccer also has tournaments, but there is something soccer doesn’t have: timeouts, or worse, “commercial timeouts” in football and basketball. It seems that American sports often favor capitalism at the expense of sporting experience. The most obvious example is the worthless college football bowl game series.
I’ve been to Yankees-Red Sox games and to Jerry Rice’s last game with the 49ers at home, and I felt the intensity of the stadium’s crowd in the stadium. It’s exciting, but it’s nowhere near soccer, which is why alcohol is not allowed in soccer stadiums, euh, outside America. In the stadium, no one leaves their seats to buy anything or even go to the bathroom during the game, except during the 15-minute halftime. Whether in the stadium or at home, your eyes are concentrated on the ball without coach or TV interruptions. Your heart beats at the same rate as the players because “gladiators” can’t run for 90 minutes and survive without the support of their supporters, often known as “the 12th player.” And when someone scores on average every 30 minutes to an hour, the release of emotions accumulated for such a long period of time in response to the goal is as intense as an orgasm mixed with mass hysteria (if “we” score) or losing your lover to your best friend (if the rivals score). How do you feel when someone scores a basket every 30 seconds? How do you feel when the last two minutes of the game have more ads than points? Did you “pause” your intensity during the long timeouts? In addition to its very slow pace, baseball has 17 long interruptions between half-innings.
I’ve been to few World Cup games before I came to America and to crazier games in clubs. Going to a soccer game is like going to war, except you know you’re most likely coming back home alive and you’re looking forward to next week’s battle. However, soccer fans in Europe, South America and Africa die every year, and your survival rate varies depending on what you wear and where you sit. Always make sure you’re surrounded and protected by “patriots.” I’ve been to the England-Tunisia game in Marseille. Tunisia (North Africa) lost 1-0 because of a penalty, but the hooligans (worst soccer fans in the world, from England) suffered their first “loss” in the most Arab-populated city in France. I ran a lot, as hard as I could that day. Fans died on both sides.
By the way, personally, I think that American football is the only sport that’s more exciting than football (soccer), but the NFL needs to adopt college football’s overtime rules. However, one thing I can’t stand is liking more than one team in the same sport. Soccer taught me patriotism. I love the Niners and I “hate” every other NFL team, and that’s more exciting and fun.
So if you think soccer is boring, tell that to the 40 percent of Dutch who took the day off to watch their team beat Brazil.

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