Disclaimer: This special April Fools’ edition contains spoofed content
The bevy of blonde secretaries at the University president’s office noticed some alarming differences in their usually suave, well-dressed chief.
“His hair was different,” Courtney Sanderson, one of the three perky secretaries perched outside Richard Lariviere’s office, said Thursday afternoon. “It wasn’t necessarily better. There was just more of it — not much more, but some.”
Others said they first noticed a change when the president arrived without his notorious wide-brimmed fedora hat.
“He always has his hat,” Mandy Millstone, the president’s public relations director, said. “I asked him once about it. He said it was a man thing and I wouldn’t understand.”
The change in the president’s physical appearance was obvious to everyone. Lariviere has experimented a little with his wardrobe in the past but has never sported high heels and a miniskirt. But it wasn’t until the president ordered some uncharacteristic policy changes that his staff really began to worry.
The first: completely cutting off ties with Nike and working on getting a sponsorship with Sundance Natural Foods.
“Last week he’s all excited, telling us that if we get enough funding from Nike we can get a discounted store on campus. He’s into the sweat suits, you know, those bright ones that the hip hoppers wear. He says they breathe better when he goes power walking,” Assistant Vice President Tom Block said. “Then this morning he comes in ranting about local food and echinacea, putting hemp milk in his coffee like some dirty hippie. Outrageous behavior.”
Lariviere then went on to defund the football team, granting the men’s ultimate frisbee team unfettered access to Autzen Stadium.
“I’m over it,” Lariviere said. “Football, I’m over it. Never really understood it anyway. Too boring. The ultimate frisbee guys are hotter anyway.”
After arranging a luncheon with Emerald news editor Stefan Verbano and Oregon Commentator copy chief Alex Tomchak Scott, Lariviere agreed to their request to give a formal apology live on DuckU for refusing interview requests last term.
“It was cool of him, I guess,” Verbano said. “He definitely seems different. I think he was flirting with me a little. It was kind of uncomfortable.”
At a meeting with the Student Conduct Code Committee, Lariviere expressed discontent with the Department of Public Safety.
“They’re corrupt. We need to protect students, get them off campus I say,” Lariviere said, later blasting N.W.A.’s “Fuck the Police” as he exited the meeting 30 minutes early.
Back at the office, Lariviere finalized plans to create more cohesion among faculty offices.
“We need to be more cooperative,” Lariviere said. “I wanna just chill with my colleagues, like on a more intimate level. We’re all just humans, man. We need to remember that. Just people being people. You know?”
Robin Holmes, who joined Lariviere for an impromptu yoga session, said she did.
“I get it. We need to look at the bigger picture. This is life. Live it,” Holmes said.
It remains unclear whether Lariviere will continue this behavior. Reactions from administrators, faculty and students were mixed.
“I mean it seems a little unprofessional,” Sen. Zachary Stark-MacMillan said. “But hey, he agreed to support OSPIRG.”
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