This is a part of our satirical “Shallot” series. All content is unbelievably fake.
Despite leaky faucets, moldy closet walls and shaky shingles, University junior Frank Smith reports no problems with his apartment on East 18th Avenue and University Street.
Smith rents from Gong Real Estate, a newer Eugene rental company, and while he says he’s heard problems with their service from friends in the past, his treatment has been “just swell.”
“I really don’t see what the problem is,” Smith said. “Sometimes, the mechanics are a couple weeks late, but hey, we’re all human, right?”
And Frank’s not alone. The Bureau of United Lane Learners released a report late last Friday which surveyed students at the University and Lane Community College, finding that a large majority of students (90 percent) found no real problems with their near-campus apartments and houses.
The conclusions section from the report read, “(A) few surveyed mentioned concerns that they described as ‘minor’, but the majority listed no problems at all.”
“BULL is committed to producing the most accurate information about the conditions in which Lane County college students live, work and study,” BULL chair Bill Johanson said.@@he’s a chair!@@ “Our offices only hire BULL-certified researchers — because we know one thing: the best information is all BULL, all the time.”
The report is, however, facing some critical response from skeptics. Those involved with the Occupy movement, now located on the Eugene Millrace, are opposed to this report’s information, thinking it to be “less than factual.”
“Hey, man, surveys are just The Man’s tool of oppression. The modern survey-taker is just a pawn of the 1 percent creating biased information out of people’s opinions,” protester Grace Ivy said.
Members of student government at the University have said they will be investigating the issue and trying to get students engaged about it. Senate President Lamar Wise told the Emerald the ASUO’s Committee on Committees is creating a committee to discuss this issue.@@this is so true, man@@
The Tenant-Landlord Quality Committee will be meeting at some point next week.
“I mean, it’s cool to talk about this kind of thing, but again, I just don’t understand what problems people are having here,” Smith said.