Editor’s note: This satirical piece is part of our “Shallot” series. All content is unbelievably fake.
The University announced plans to redecorate all 80 buildings on campus with furniture from the popular Swedish manufacturer IKEA.
University’s Design and Decoration Department Chair Svetlana Gustavson said the school hopes the new and fresh look will attract applicants in coming years.
Gustavson revealed that she will primarily import the new line from designer Olya Kniersson directly from the warehouse in Sweden.
The line includes such masterpieces as the KIVIK, FÖRTRÄFFLIG, and the popular EKTORP JENNYLUND model. Beds in all the residence halls will be updated to the ODDA design, and shelving will vary depending on the price of the room.
Gustavson said each room will have 90 or more trained assemblers to put the furniture together.
The budget has yet to be established, but Gustavson said she is willing to “fight at great lengths for the integrity of the project.”
University President Richard Lariviere’s administrative assistant said Gustavson introduced the idea around the same time that plans were being made for the new residence halls, leading students and staff to believe the redecoration will be part of the speculated $500 million plan to upgrade the campus by 2027.
“I want every part of this campus to look extravagant,” Gustavson said. “I want Dali paintings hung from the ceilings in the bathroom. I want upside-down stairs … and the University understands and accepts this vision.”
A small line on the bottom of the redecoration memorandum reads in small print: “Plans to renovate the campus will result in a rise in tuition of $10,000 per student.”
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