Everyone had that one friend in grade school that they lost over something silly. Whether it was stealing your best friend, cheating in four square or snitching on you to the teacher, we have all dealt with the struggle of forgiving someone from an early age. Now dealing with new friendships in college, I realize it hasn’t gotten any less complicated.
People seem unable to let things go and move on. After being treated wrongfully or unfairly, it is easy to hold onto a grudge.
We tend to hold grudges because negative experiences stick in our memory more so than positive ones. When someone has wronged you, what they did to you for the rest of the day. Holding grudges often seems simpler than forgiving, but it can cost us.
Having a grudge against a particular brand, store or product may cause someone to go out of their way to avoid buying from them, even if it means spending more money. The grudge may have been a result of a small insult, but people are willing to pay those costs in order to prove a point. Grudges can take a lot of energy and close off opportunities for however long someone is willing to hold onto them.
When it comes to personal interactions, maintaining a grudge is avoiding interaction with the person who wronged you.
“We hold a grudge from a distance,” said psychology professor Dr. Sara Hodges. “Coordinating with someone makes it difficult to maintain a grudge as there are other tasks to focus on.”
When the opportunity presents itself to allow a person to disassociate from the offender, grudges can be held for an endless amount of time. Ever heard of those crazy people that haven’t let go of their grudges for years on end? Many of them have probably never given the person their holding a grudge against a chance to redeem themselves.
A main reason that grudges are held for such a long period of time is because grudges are a way of defining ourselves. If we uphold certain values, holding grudges against those who don’t have the same values would theoretically present us as highly dedicated to them. Unfortunately, all that that’s done for people is gotten them called out for being close-minded.
“A strong motivating factor [for grudges] is group identity. We want to present ourselves in the best light possible, a grudge can be based on supporting the in-group,” said Dr. Hodges.
For the average person, social reputation is important. Once the grudge is made public, you are held to consistency in order to maintain the image. Breaking from your stated values can cause others to view you as hypocritical and discredit whatever authority you’ve obtained within the group. However, the most effective way to prove your loyalty to certain beliefs would probably be to lead by example.
Grudges are simply best left in your rear view mirror. There are too many things to worry about in our lives than whether someone wronged you.
Although forgiveness is ideal in the end, simply letting go those feelings of resentment is the easiest way to start burying a grudge. Try to approach the person you’ve so well avoided. People change over time, they learn and they grow and they treat people differently.
If it turns out you still don’t like the person – no one ever said you had to be friends, but allowing yourself to stop feeling resentful towards someone else is beneficial to you, not them. Having a grudge affects the person holding it, not the person it’s held against.
Although no one enjoys being wrong, it is important to be able to admit it to yourself because you’re the one person who truly matters.
Burying a grudge is going to be difficult, but it’s a process that must take place in order to heal. Moving on isn’t going to change your identity or your character. You can still be the person you see yourself as, without resenting someone else in order to do so.