Written by Gabriel Dufurrena | Photo by Sierra Pedro
Haven’t you always dreamed of being independent to the point where your friends are intimidated by you and feel insignificant when they’re around you? Don’t you want to shove your self sufficiency down their throats in the form of delicious made-from-scratch barbecue? It’s time to take it to the next level! Summer is here, and a barbecue-slash-garden party is the perfect opportunity to show everyone just how much better than them you are. Here are a few low effort, high reward projects that will both inspire and enrage your plebeian acquaintances.
Build Your Own Grill
All you need for a state-of-the-art BBQ pit is a small yard and a quick trip to the hardware store. Practicing fire safety is key. If your BBQ ends with fire trucks, you have failed.

1. Start by arranging 12 bricks* in a three-by-four grid, leaving a little space between each brick for airflow. This will act as your base. *Only use bricks that aren’t treated with any chemicals and that won’t explode from overheating (ask the hardware store employee).
2. Arrange eight-or-so bricks on top of your base. Lay them on their side to add a little height for your charcoal (if you are cooking skirt or flank steak and want a high heat sear, it’s actually better to have the meat closer to the heat. Otherwise, go for the extra height). These bricks act as support, so their arrangement depends on the shape of your grill. The worst thing that could happen would be your grill top falling into the fire, so make sure there is plenty of support.
3. Place your grill on the bricks to test the shape. If the grill fits on the bricks and the space beneath them is completely sealed off on the sides, you’re ready to start your fire. As far as obtaining a grill top, most suppliers sell replacement tops for their grills at a lower price than the actual grill. You could also check flea markets or Craigslist for grills.

Once you’ve built your grill, you’re ready to get cooking. You may want to test-cook a few smaller cuts of meat or veggies to get comfortable with the arrangement. Keep in mind that you’re cooking low to the ground, so the less you have to manipulate your food, the easier it will be on your back. Having said that, this setup is perfect for anything from corn on the cob to a rack of ribs. Here’s a recipe that seems more ambitious, but actually requires much less effort on your part:
If you want to express yourself in the laziest college way, beer can chicken requires almost no effort. Just get your barbecue going at a medium heat, crack open a can of cheap beer and stick that can open-side-up into the belly of the bird. Get it just deep enough that it will stand up straight without wobbling. Put that can on the grill and tent the bird with aluminum foil to ensure it gets enough heat throughout. Cook until it reaches an internal temp of 160F in the breast.
If you want to look like a real pro, spatchcocking is the best way to cook a bird. All you need to spatchcock a bird is a pair of kitchen shears and the willpower to cut through bone.

1. Look in your bird’s butt and locate the backbone. It will be the long bone with several tiny ribs coming out of it from either side. If you can’t find it, turn the bird over.
2. Once you’ve located the backbone, cut that sucker out. Position your open kitchen shears to the right of the backbone and begin cutting down the length of the bird. This will involve cutting through the ribs, which takes a little force and a strong stomach for some. Be sure to cut as close to the backbone as possible so as not to lose too much meat. After the backbone is severed from one side, turn the bird around and cut it out from the other side, following the exact same process.

3. With the backbone out, there should now be a giant gap in the top of your bird. Turn the bird over and open the gap wide so all the skin of the bird is facing upward and the inside is face-down above your work surface. Finally, press the bird down right between the breasts until it is flat and you hear a crack. That will be the wishbone cracking; make a wish.

4. Season the bird and place it open-side-down over your fire. Tent the bird with aluminum foil. Let it cook to an internal temperature of 160F at the breast and 140F at the joint by the thigh.
5. Let the chicken rest for at least 10 minutes before separating by parts and serving.

Regale your guests with tales of how much you struggled to bring them this feast, even though it’s pretty low effort. If nothing else, make the whole endeavor seem like something they couldn’t possibly do. Your party is a success if your guests hate you and want to be you.