Love is a good thing. Society tells itself all sorts of fantasy stories about love — about the real thing, Mr. or Ms. Right, the one and only. These stories tell us how amazing it is to find that perfect mate.
But that’s not what I’m here to talk about, at least not directly. I’m here in defense of casual sex, and this isn’t a casual argument. My argument isn’t borne of loneliness or the desire to rationalize cheap hedonism. It comes from experience.
A lot of people in our culture denigrate casual sex. If you need proof, take a look at the covers of countless magazines, all of which trumpet better ways to find that perfect person. They say casual sex is unfulfilling and can only cause problems for those who engage in it.
The reason people have such a problem with casual sex, though, is that they were told a fiction that goes something like this: The only real happiness comes from finding that one person who can fulfill all your needs.
Now, having one person to fulfill all my physical and emotional needs sounds great on paper, and I’m looking forward to the time when that happens. But real life is more complicated than this picture.
Most people have a variety of different needs: romantic, domestic, friendly and sexual, to name just a few. And it can be difficult to fulfill all those needs in one person — that can be asking a lot of one fallible human being.
So until the time comes when this one utterly fantastic person comes along with the magical ability to do everything, I have enough respect for myself and enough personal integrity to recognize that I do have these various needs. I have enough sense to realize that with a little care, I can have these needs fulfilled from a variety of people — and that in so doing, I might become a better-rounded individual who will be more attractive to that one special person.
The key, though, and the only thing that can make casual sex work — or casual romantic fulfillment, or any other need fulfillment — is honesty. You need to be honest with yourself, to know what you really want from the other person, and you need to be honest with that person, to tell them what you really want and what you’re willing to give.
My experience shows that honesty works. I’ve had roommates that fulfilled the domestic needs, and dates that fulfilled the romantic needs, and “friends with benefits” that fulfilled the sexual needs. I’ve had relationships where more than one type of need was fulfilled at a time by the same person, and those were great. But honesty was necessary in all these cases so that no one ended up feeling betrayed or cheated, or just plain dirty — and not in a good way.
Once you learn to be honest with yourself about what you need and what you can give, fulfillment can come in all sorts of “casual” encounters. Although, if you’re getting your needs fulfilled, it’s hard to see how these relationships can continue to be called casual. Who says they’re casual? Are they casual because they don’t meet society’s pretty but fictional picture of romantic-sexual-domestic-friendship bliss?
People should reclaim “casual” relationships and redefine what they want and need from others. Of course, everyone needs to play safe with casual sex. But we would all be a lot happier — not if we were in perfect couplings of being everything to each other, but if we were honest about what we needed and were willing to assert the personal agency necessary to seek out what we wanted.
And you know what? Being honest with yourself in just that way is the only thing that will make the real thing work — if and when it ever comes along. Without that honesty, you’ll find yourself caught in a loop of ultimately unfulfilling serial monogamy, anyway.
So start cultivating some honesty right now, and don’t be afraid of a little safe, casual need fulfillment.