Hey, kiddies! Wanna get famous? Just get your arm bitten off by a massive Hawaiian shark!
Ask Bethany Hamilton. The teenage surfer got her left arm bitten off by a 15-foot tiger shark on Halloween, and now she’s more famous than Elvis! She’s 13 and she’s from Hawaii, but she’s been on talk shows and news programs from New York to Los Angeles. There’s a Bethany book in the works. She’s thinking about launching a clothing line.
So will all the shirts have only one sleeve?
I’m sorry, that was a really insensitive joke. And I don’t mean to be insensitive about the situation as a whole, but it’s sort of a sad statement about our society. In our stop-to-watch-the-car-crash culture, it’s easier to shed a tear for a shark-attack victim than to think about, say, the fact that 290 American soldiers (as of press time) have died in Iraq since Operation Iraqi Freedom “ended” on May 1.
You’ve probably heard Hamilton’s story. Before the attack she was one of the youngest pro surfers on the scene and was sponsored by Rip Curl. On the morning of Oct. 31, she hit the Kauai North Shore waves with a few friends. The attack itself lasted three seconds. Hamilton’s friends took her to shore and used a surfboard leash as a tourniquet. At the hospital, a man was about to go in for knee surgery but gave up his bed for the 13-year-old. That man was Bethany’s father, Tom Hamilton.
It’s a fascinating story, to be sure. And Hamilton has handled the media crush with the poise of a 33-year-old, not a scrub-faced teenager. She told The Associated Press the attack was “God’s plan for my life, and I’m going to go with it.” If I got my arm bitten off by a shark, I’d be using stronger words. And most of them would be four letters long.
But at the same time, she and her family are handling it like a farmer with his hands on the udders. They’re milking it. The family hired a Los Angeles-based entertainment agent to help handle the media blitz. Besides the book and clothing line, Hamilton is scheduled for speaking appearances and there’s even a reality show brewing.
“Joe Disability”?
Again, I’m sorry. That’s the last bad joke. Promise.
I understand she needs some money. Her family has medical insurance, but it won’t cover things like new prosthetic arms for the growing girl. So, to a certain extent, the media assault has a purpose. But a reality show? A clothing line? And on top of that, Hamilton has also benefited from several fund-raisers. A fund-raiser on Kauai raised $70,000 on Nov. 15, and on Saturday, Rip Curl will auction off 16 signed surfboards to raise even more money.
Not to mention that Hamilton was a top pro surfer before the bite and will likely remain at the top using a prosthetic.
Sorry, but shouldn’t we be raising money for people who really need it? Like, say, the 8.8 million unemployed people in this country? The 8.8 million people who don’t surf for a living and aren’t given SUV-sized checks every weekend?
What happened to Hamilton was a tragedy. But that’s how it should be treated. I shouldn’t be able to make donations, using PayPal, on her Web site. I shouldn’t have to watch her being treated like a celebrity on Leno and Letterman.
That’s my slant and I’m sticking to it. Until, of course, I get my arm bitten off by a shark and I become famous. In America, that’s how easy it is.