*Disclaimer: All quotes and facts in this article are completely satirical and fake, in light of April Fools Day.*
Squirrels have frequently been more and more prevalent on campus at the University of Oregon and as their population has grown, their need for power has, as well. Especially today, April 1.
The UO squirrels have officially outnumbered the humans on campus and appear to have begun their own uprising against the people.
Students shared their frustrations, fears and plans for the future of UO and for themselves.
“I always knew the squirrels were dangerous when they started rapidly multiplying like nothing you’ve ever seen,” UO student Joe Schmoe said. “Now that they’re starting their own civil uprising and taking over our school, I know I need to get out of here.
Schmoe said that his plan for the squirrel uprising is to get out of Eugene as soon as possible, but there are some limitations.
“They (squirrels) have taken over the airports, planes, roads and basically the whole town,” Schmoe said. “I need to get out of here before things get worse.”
Sally Stitch, another UO student, said she wants to try and make peace with the squirrels.
“I know they’re (squirrels) angry we (humans) haven’t treated them the best, but we need to make peace so that things don’t escalate,” Stitch said. “The squirrels have taken over this land and they need to learn to at least share with us.”
Stitch is leading a group called “UO for Humans and Squirrels” and is recruiting students, staff and faculty to try and make amends with the squirrels.
“I don’t have many members so far because people are afraid of the squirrels,” Stitch said. “I think we need to adapt to them now instead of them adapting to us.”
Some faculty members have also shared their fears for the squirrel uprising on campus.
“This gets in the way of our jobs and our teaching and brings fear to everyone on campus,” Ava Dove, UO professor of psychology, said. “I wish I could use my knowledge to understand what the squirrels want and why they are doing this, but they are squirrels.”
Dove explained how nothing like this has ever been seen before in history, so it is difficult to come up with a solution for mediating between the squirrels and the humans.
“I don’t know if we need mediation sessions, picket lines, retaliation or anything of that sort,” Dove said. “History is being made here but at the cost of our school.”
