Opinion: Finding support while dealing with grief as an adult shouldn’t be so hard
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Two days before I pitched this article, my parents called to tell me that my grandpa was beginning hospice care following a week in the hospital. I was one minute away from starting a two-hour shift at work, standing in the rain outside the EMU and surrounded by people. In other words, not an opportune time for a breakdown. He passed away just over two days later.
The first time I lost a family member, I was in fourth grade. My grandma passed away, and my parents waited to tell me until I was home from school and we were all together. They sat me down on the couch with a Heath bar and a mug of hot chocolate, and I was able to talk my feelings out with them. I felt the support of a family unit.
This time was the complete opposite. College can be an isolating time in general as you live independently for the first time, but the time between the start of his hospital stay and his death was the most isolated I’ve ever felt from my family. I couldn’t talk to my grandpa, my parents were busy supporting him and updating people on the situation, and I was left trying to handle my feelings and stay out of everyone’s way. It was like a weird combination of feeling like an unfeeling adult and a helpless baby.
That Thursday, I woke up early for my radio show and rolled over in bed to see a missed call from my parents at 2:37 a.m.. Never a sign of good news. My stomach dropped, but when I was on the phone with my parents confirming that he had passed, I held it together. An hour later, I was live on air, talking through my feelings and trying not to cry in the studio while maintaining professionalism. Suffice to say, it wasn’t my favorite time.
Since then, the theme of trying to hold it together has continued in my life. I’m lucky that my professors were relatively forgiving, and my extracurriculars were even more so. Unfortunately, UO’s academic structure (see my colleague’s article on the attendance policy) and work demands left little room for recovery. I was able to get extensions on some assignments, but now that we’re nearing the end of term, that just means my work is piling up. Temporarily delaying responsibility doesn’t get rid of it. There’s no good time for a family member to die, but anywhere near finals week is rough.
Since I still have a little crumb of self-preservation even in tough times, I scoured the internet for help. The UO Health Center offers group and individual therapy services, but hours are limited. This late in the term, I’m just too busy for it. With projects all over the place, finals looming, work, classes, clubs and chores, I have no time. Even their grief-focused group therapy, which isn’t my style to begin with, meets when I’m in class. I’m glad UO offers some level of support, especially since it could be easy for the university to just ignore the issue, but there aren’t many options when you tend to be busy Monday through Friday, 9 a.m. to 5 p.m.
One existing answer to this problem is the counseling center’s coping strategies page, which enables students to access helpful mental health tips from a computer. This works well for personal struggles outside of the center’s hours of operation, but it doesn’t serve as a replacement for therapy or being present with family. When you need help and companionship the most in college, it vanishes, and you’re left staring at a computer screen.
I’ve learned over the past few weeks that I’m both weaker and stronger than I expected. I can listen to my grandpa’s favorite songs now without crying and wear his old varsity jacket as a symbol of remembrance without bringing down my mood for the day. Still, I have a problem thinking I can handle everything myself.
When you’re learning to be an adult for the first time, no one tells you exactly what to do. There’s no guidebook for dealing with grief while maintaining your grades and independently caring for your basic needs. Suddenly, you have to figure out how to handle your problems. It’s not an easy process, and students (and all people, really) deserve some grace while figuring it out.