Congratulations to each and every one of the graduating class of 2015. Graduating from college is an extraordinary accomplishment. Now, you must enter the, “real world,” whatever that means. And it is my job to help with that transition from college student to responsible real world adult. No one else is better equipped to give you the advice that I, a college freshman, am about to bestow on you. You’re welcome.
Now that you will no longer be a college student, there are some things that will no longer be socially acceptable for you to do. Brace yourselves, here is a list of things you may no longer do:
Attend college parties. If you’re no longer a college student, then you should not be attending college parties. You are now a real world adult. You should be going to office parties that serve fancy wine and cheese. And two deli platters.
Change your major or desired profession. Listen, I hate to break it to you, but you’re stuck. It is too late to decide you don’t want to be an accountant or physical therapist anymore. Once you graduate, you are forever locked into that one particular field of study. The only way out is you burn your diploma and start all over, and I’m sure you already bought the frame for it.
Wear college swag. When in college, most everyone wears their college swag. But unless you obtain a job with an extremely casual dress code, you better pack up your Duck Store scores now. That UO T-shirt won’t look good with a sport coat or pencil skirt. If this is too much for you to bear, you could always try wearing that shirt under the rest of your clothes.
Step foot on campus. Never again. You graduated. Now get out. Leave and never return. You spent the last four or so years of your life coming to this university, you don’t need to come here anymore. Goodbye. Auf Wiedersehen. Adios. Live long and prosper.
Best of luck to all of the graduates. May you go out and change the world. And seriously, never come here ever again.
 
 
 
@AlyshaNFerguson