I’ve always been a lover of bad movies. There’s a certain pleasure in watching a film struggle, picking apart what elements are failing the whole and laughing at some of their more absurd elements. I’ll watch the 1998 edition of Godzilla any time it’s on TV. I own The Room on Blu-Ray. But over time, our culture’s definition of ‘bad’ has shifted. Movies are celebrated for having intentionally flawed logic or thinly written characters. Sharknado has shifted from a made-for-TV movie to a cinematic release that justifies a brand deal with Subway. With this trend, it’s gotten harder to find a movie that tries its darndest to be great, fails miserably, and yet still leaves me with a big dumb smile on my face. Thank God I found San Andreas.
The core storyline could’ve been ripped out of any disaster movie from the past decade. Dwayne Johnson plays Ray, a divorced father, emotionally distant from his estranged family because he just loves saving people too goddamn much. His ex-wife Emma (Carla Gugino) is moving in with millionaire architect Dave Riddick (Ioan Gruffudd), who does everything short of kicking puppies to convince the audience that he is to be despised. Ray’s daughter Blake (Alexandra Daddario) is a character whose personality revolves around having enough knowledge about survival to dodge being labeled a damsel in distress.
We’re also occasionally visited by Paul Giamatti, playing a scientist whose only purpose is to explain what an Earthquake is and that they are dangerous. He develops an algorithm to predict earthquakes, which he perfects about 20 seconds before a series of them essentially destroy the entire state of California. He never tells anyone about this magic formula, then later complains how nobody ever listened to him.
This is a script ripe with cliches and dense with moments that left me laughing in stunned confusion. Riddick proudly states that the reason he never raised children is because he was “too busy raising skyscrapers.” At a meeting that is never fully explained, a terrible woman bluntly reminds Emma that her first daughter drowned to death. Ray literally tears the door off of an SUV with his bare hands to save a woman who crashed while texting and driving. San Andreas lives in that perfect sweet spot of bad writing – absurd enough to be mockable, while still being competent enough to follow.
The film mostly follows Ray’s family, as they attempt to reunite in the apocalyptic chaos that unfolds for nearly 90 straight minutes. The level of destruction in this film is nothing short of comedic. I have to wonder if everyone involved in this feature has a personal vendetta against the city of San Francisco, as it is the only reason for the level of oblivion wrought upon the city. Tectonic plates shift, causing entire suburbs to move in waves. Every skyscraper in sight either falls flat to the ground, collapses upon itself or is torn in half by the unseen hand of God. In the first 20 minutes, the entire Hoover Dam collapses and the film barely bothers to acknowledge it. Meanwhile, Ray and associates do next-to-nothing in order to help people that they are not directly related to. These characters make some of the worst decisions imaginable in their situation, and it is an absolute hoot to watch unfold.
The city of San Francisco has a population of over 800,000, and I guarantee 95 percent of them die in the course of this film.  It’s chaos that makes Man of Steel‘s finale look quaint, and there’s nothing supernatural at play. Just Mother Earth deciding that the Bay Area can go royally fuck itself.
What’s weirdest of all, San Andreas doesn’t hide its death toll. You see bodies fall, yet the camera never bothers to ponder on that loss of life. It’s borderline sociopathic.
While San Andreas‘ destruction is bombastic in scale, it’s not all that visually impressive. The effects are fairly standard, and (aside from a single ambitious one-shot sequence), it’s mostly free of interesting camera work. You could cut shots of this film into any other blockbuster this summer with world-ending destruction and nobody would be any the wiser. It’s that bland.
Overall, San Andreas is not a good movie. It’s unoriginal from its plot to its appearance. Yet in execution, it becomes something beautifully stupid. It’s the best Roland Emmerich movie that Roland Emmerich had nothing to do with. My recommendation – wait until it’s on Blu-Ray, grab a few beers and invite some friends over for a night with San Andreas. It’s destruction porn, with a plot to match.
Follow Chris Berg on Twitter @Mushroomer25

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San Andreas is as incompetent as it is entertaining.