In Eugene, hipsters are prevalent. In layman’s terms, those bastards are everywhere. From their corduroy pants, microbrews and blaring indie music, it’s usually easy to pick them out from the city’s general obscure rabble. Mostly harmless, they’re much like the dandelions in Eugene’s metaphorical garden — noxious, but actually harmless.
However, they have a more dangerous and venomous cousin: the sports hipster. Some of them follow the hipsters’ dress code and demeanor, and others are more camouflaged into society, making their discovery difficult until it’s too late.@@lol@@
But a trained sports fan can avoid the trap of sports hipsters if he or she knows the warning signs. Here are some ways to tell if you’re dealing with a sports hipster.
Ironic sportswear
If you spot someone approaching you who’s wearing gear from a team that hasn’t been good for a decade, this might be your best sign that you’re walking into a life-threatening confrontation. Treat that Seattle Mariners hat like a red flag, just as the team has waved a white flag for the last decade. If you think “That team S-U-C-K-S, sucks,” chances are that fan’s wearing that hat, ironically. Irony, in case you didn’t know, is the hipster’s most dangerous weapon. They dare to be different, and that can put your homogeneity at risk.
Another outward sign of sports hipsterdom is the old-school jersey. The normal sports fan might have a Jerry West@@http://www.basketball-reference.com/players/w/westje01.html@@ authentic Los Angeles Lakers jersey or even a throwback jersey of a current star. But the hipster has something more obscure (always with the obscurity, those hipsters) — and chances are that player was a good-not-great player only remembered by diehard fans. So, when you see that kid walking down the street in that era-authentic Washington Bullets (yes, Bullets, kids) Rasheed Wallace@@http://www.nba.com/playerfile/rasheed_wallace/index.html@@ jersey, be afraid.
Protip:@@http://ohinternet.com/PROTIP@@ Some sports hipsters try to blend in with their apparel and keep their outerwear professional. But even. they can have a tale. If you see a colorful piece of hosiery sticking out from their slacks, those aren’t regular socks. Those are stirrups. And those are a sign. A sign you should run away as quickly as you can and contact your local public safety authority.
Vintage video games
Normal sports fans are all about modernity in their gaming habits. Chances are, they’ve played the newest “NBA 2K”@@http://www.2ksports.com/games/nba2k11/@@ or Madden release to the point where the game is so scratched it probably won’t work.
But your sports hipster can tell you — with 100 percent accuracy — each team’s tandem in “NBA Jam.”@@http://www.ea.com/nba-jam-on-fire@@ Or they can tell you who the kickers and punters are on “Madden 98.” These are the kinds of people who bring their Sega Genesis@@http://www.amazon.com/NBA-Jam-Sega-Genesis/dp/B00002STA0@@ into their office just so they can play “World Series Baseball ’98”@@http://www.amazon.com/World-Series-Baseball-98-Sega-Genesis/dp/B00002STAZ@@ with their coworkers. That lost productivity? Sports hipsters are trying to siphon you away from your careers and classwork, taking money out of your hands and Cheez-It out of your cupboard.
Protip: FIFA games are a gateway to becoming a sports hipster. Soccer is obscure, at least in America. That’s how they get you. They hook you on a fun game and next thing you know, you’ve been dragged down to their level. Don’t take the bait.
Arcane sports knowledge
Your average sports fan could easily explain field goal percentage, batting average or a quarterback draw. There’s a certain amount of geekiness inherent in sports fans. It just comes with the territory.
But when you’ve got someone explaining to you player efficiency rating, wins above replacement or the intricacies of Oregon’s fast-paced read-option offense, that’s when you’ve stumbled upon a sports hipster.
To gain this knowledge, the sports hipster has had to eschew the mainstream sports media, leaving behind Yahoo Sports, Sports Illustrated and ESPN for more focused, niche websites. For their daily dose of sports uniform gossip, they’ll head to the Uni Watch blog.@@http://www.uni-watch.com/@@ To satisfy their sadistic need for obscure college basketball news, they religiously read The Mid-Majority.@@http://www.midmajority.com/@@
To gain your respect with their over-analysis, they will use the argument that with greater knowledge, you will better understand and enjoy sports more. But that’s a lie. They’re just trying to bait you into philosophical discussions, where their superior skills in arcane knowledge ensure victory with their arguments.
Protip: Stick to conventional statistics and skip out on analysis, and you’ll be surprised at how many sports hipsters will run away crying.
Protecting yourself
If you stick with my provided protips, you should be able to avoid the sports hipster. Just remember that if your friends meet more than one of these criteria, protect yourself with conventional knowledge and a healthy amount of skepticism, and you should stay safe.
Even if sports hipsters’ swag sounds cool, try not to give in. Though, I have a Sega Genesis I brought into the Emerald office. And, I do have a Rasheed Wallace Bullets’ jersey. And, my Mariners hat sure is comfortable. Oh. Oh god. No. NOOOOOOOOO.
Protip: Please don’t call the police on me.