Disclaimer: This is a part of our satirical Shallot series. All content is unbelievably fake.
Business owners along East 13th Avenue are used to seeing a ravaged scene every Saturday morning after students leave the typical party scenes for a campus bus or to cut through campus to their apartment.
But they never could have imagined the type of events that have transpired the last four months, as Peachwave@@http://www.peachwaveyogurt.com/locations/oregon/@@ has solidified its place near campus. When Peachwave opened its doors last September, it became the third self-service frozen yogurt place within two blocks of campus and the second to open in the last two years.
Naturally, tensions rose.
“We do not have plans to lead our fine groups to war,” Peachwave owner Keith Ivar said. “But we do not discount it as a possibility.”
Aggressive action between the factions — Peachwave, Yogurt Extreme and the traditional Campus Sub Shop — has not been seen yet, but according to an anonymous source, there have been stealth missions between the businesses. These have included undercover theft of supplies as well as attempts to dissuade the opponents’ advertising efforts.
But, sources within the Yogurt Extreme enterprise said, tactics in the near future will include more public action and intimidation. Yogurt cannons are currently being designed in California’s San Bernardino Valley, along with other forms of nonlethal weaponry.@@http://www.visitcwc.com/SanBernardino/@@
“We want to be the only yogurt vendor in the area, but we’re not going to hurt anyone,” the source said. “This is Eugene, after all.”
The yogurt cannon concept is being expanded as Californians deal with their own frozen yogurt oversaturation.
Experts in East 13th Avenue history project the fighting to escalate this week but are predicting no casualties. The owners from Kincaid to Alder along 13th are planning to meet next Tuesday at Starbucks to discuss the implications.