Welcome to the bottom of the barrel.
If you’re a sports fan, you’ve hit the low point of the year. Wimbledon is over. The U.S. Open of golf is over. The NBA and NHL playoffs are ancient history.
NFL trades are looking pretty interesting, even if they include guys named Michael Bates. The Tour de France actually stays on the television for a while, because nobody wants to risk changing the channel. There might be Atlanta baseball on TBS.
Stock-car racing is the top story on Sportscenter.
Yes, sports fans, you are at ground zero. There is nowhere to go but up.
And yet … I can hear something in the distance. A faint “crack” sound.
It’s nothing. That must be the sound of Aaron Sele breaking a bat over the head of American League All-Star manager Joe Torre, because Torre chose Andy Pettite over Sele to go to the game.
But there it is again, a little louder this time.
“Crack!”
Come on, I’m hallucinating here, right? That’s just the sound of a Jackie Stiles three-pointer sizzling through the Rose Garden net in a WNBA matchup between the Portland Fire and the Los Angeles Sparks, right?
“CRACK.”
A little bit louder now. A little bit louder now. C’mon and shout with me now! It’s the sound of a Home Run Derby baseball being cracked — I mean jacked — out of Seattle’s Safeco Field by Sammy Sosa!
“CRACK!”
There’s a shot by Barry Bonds. My oh my, that ball hit the Space Needle!
Luis Gonzalez steps up to the plate … he strokes it … and that ball … will … fly … away! Gonzalez will … win … the … contest!
Just when you thought the summer sports blues had set in, Major League Baseball went and picked you up, literally, from your seat.
There goes a shot by Alex Rodriguez … oh, it falls just short of the wall. Well, with the wind from all those Seattle fans booing their former star, I’m surprised it got that far. Actually, A-Rod flopped in the contest after his first warm reception at Safeco Field all year. He must have been caught by surprise.
Ahhh, the Home Run Derby. It’s the contest all Little League players dream of. Heck, even Mark McGwire dreams of it.
“Crack!”
There’s a shot from Bret Boone, and that ball has a lot of … hold on, Bret Boone? This year’s wild card, hometown favorite and little-red-engine-that-could all wrapped up into one, Boonie didn’t make a very big impression on the Home Run Derby, hitting only three bombs. Hey, Luis, can you say 63-24? Bret Boone and the Mariners can.
Oh, and Boonie also beat A-Rod by one home run. Small victories are important, too, Luis.
On another note, it’s too bad first-round homers don’t hold up for later rounds, because Jason Giambi would have beaten the pants off his competition after 14 homers in the first round.
“Crack, crack, crack, crack, etc.!”
That’s what Giambi’s first round sounded like. The man hit six home runs in a row at one point. Eventual winner Gonzalez hit six home runs in the third round and never even thought about 14.
But hey, good for Gonzo. The Diamondbacks’ star has been flailing in Barry Bonds’ home run shadow all season. Way to go Gonzo! The Home Run Derby means … absolutely … nothing.
That, of course, is the beauty of the Home Run Derby. It means nothing, just like the All-Star Game itself. But it provides something for journalists to gripe about, just like the All-Star voting.
Plus, the “cracks” of those bats are enough to cure those mid-summer blues. They should be just enough to hold you over until preseason NFL starts, anyway.