Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls of all ages, it’s time for the SATs!
I know, you already took the SATs, but instead this is the Sports Aptitude Test, and it requires little to no brain power. Even better, your college admissions are not resting on the outcome.
In fact, if you get a 1600 on this SAT, you may want to consider dropping out of college altogether, because you are a bona fide loser!
So without further ado, the Oregon Daily Emerald presents the 2001 SAT. Please use a number two pencil, and hand your test to the proctor when finished.
1. Which of the following is actually an XFL (that’s Xtreme Football League) team?
A) California Killers
B) Bronx Big Hitters
C) Alabama Assassins
D) Chicago Enforcers
2. Which of the following was thrown on Anna Kournikova’s court at this year’s Australian Open by a 15-year old boy, as Kournikova played a doubles match?
A) A roadside flare
B) A bottle rocket
C) A bundle of roses
D) A firecracker
3. What was the score of Kournikova’s humiliating quarterfinal loss to Lindsay Davenport at the same tournament?
A) 6-3, 4-6, 6-1
B) 6-4, 6-2
C) 6-0, 6-1
D) 6-4, 6-4
4. Which of the following professional football players has NOT been on trial for a felony in the past year?
A) Rae Carruth
B) Mark Chmura
C) Bill Romanowski
D) Ray Lewis
5. What stunt did Dallas Stars goalkeeper “Crazy Eddie” Belfour pull recently that got him suspended from the team?
A) Swore at fans
B) Didn’t show up for road trip
C) Lost six straight games
D) Walked out of practice
6. Which of the following was NOT an artificial surface that was considered by the Oregon athletic department to replace the OmniTurf currently on Autzen’s floor?
A) SuperTurf
B) SafePlay Turf
C) NeXturf
D) FieldTurf
7. Which of the following baseball players made less than 10 million dollars over the 2000 season?
A) Ken Griffey, Jr.
B) Barry Bonds
C) Mike Piazza
D) Derek Jeter
8. Which Eugene bar did six Washington State basketball players get caught drinking at the night before their matchup with the Ducks last weekend, leading to their suspension?
A) Jogger’s
B) Rennie’s
C) Rock N’ Rodeo
D) Taylor’s
You get 200 points for every correct answer.
Correct answers: 1-d, 2-a, 3-b, 4-c, 5-d, 6-a, 7-a, 8-c.
1400-1600 points: You are a sports genius. You need to transfer from Oregon to some Big 12 school where all they think about is football.
400-1400 points: You are normal. Congratulations.
0-400 points: You know nothing about sports, and need to transfer to an Ivy League school, where you won’t be bothered by meddling athletes and people who enjoy sports.
You may now return to your regularly scheduled testing. Thank you for participating in the ODE SAT.