Quite some time ago, I decided that I’d had sufficiently enough of all these pesky current issues, depressing wars, the merging of industry and government and all other general unpleasantness. Off the record, I accepted this position at the Emerald for the cash and groupies alone.
Since my decision, I’ve sought enlightenment – not through meditation or some sort of folded path – but through my Real-World Insulation Regimen (The Regimen) and the effortlessly contrived sense of moral purpose and reality it gives me. Now I just glide through my happy, white, American life, like rollerblading down a freshly paved sidewalk, with my iPod, in khaki shorts. It’s just so smooth.
The behavior I will discuss is commonplace. You probably engage in your share already. The art is in the regimentation of it. The important thing is to recognize these points’ efficacy in simplifying your life; filtering out the offensive and annoyingly thought-provoking.
You’re curious, yes, I know. So this week I’ll begin to break The Regimen down for you, step by insular step.
But first things first: If you don’t already have ADD and a copious stockpile of Adderall and/or Ritalin in your IKEA bed stand, you’re going to need to go to a doctor, most will do just fine, but preferably one who lunches often with Pfizer reps. They offer most sound medical advice.
While you’re there, you’ll get the antidepressants – the Paxil, the Wellbutrin. These can be used as needed, but work great during those dreary Oregon winters. Once you start, you’ll never go back – they’re just fantastic. Sometimes I like to rail a couple of both before heading to church on Sunday – really gets me primed for the week. But you can hold off on all that until you’re more comfortable with the new schedule. Those are the kind of advanced techniques you can worry about later.
Now, let’s begin our work.
This week, we’ll address media consumption, an major slice of The Regimen. Constant entertainment is an important part of making this work for you. Lack of stimulation allows for too much destructive musing, which is quite harmful to The Regimen.
First, don’t read your news (excluding The Regimen) and certainly avoid those so-called “reputable” installations on the Internet. Cable TV is going to be your best bet to keep up on relevant topics of discussion, while being sufficiently entertained. There’s no need to worry when you are called upon to present views regarding these topics, as they have been conveniently editorialized for you, making it easy to uphold a legitimately acceptable and widely-shared position in their debate. Thanks cable news, thank you.
Next, if you haven’t already, sign up for MySpace and Facebook right now. Yes, you’ll need both. Commerce is Internet-based now for efficacy – our communal and social lives should be too. You can keep in touch with the old and efficiently download new friends who share the same views and interests as you. It’s perfect. You can converse and fortify your collective ideas with them in the comfort of your own room, all your personal amenities close at hand. With communities like MySpace and Facebook, you can even filter out the weirdly-minded disagreeables.
Their opposing views are not conducive to The Regimen and are best to not consider entirely. Importantly, make sure your profile is chock full of as much personal information and photos as possible, while linking to a vastness of others with the same. This works out nicely where market researchers can systematically browse through your entertaining identity to better get you the products you didn’t even know you wanted even easier than before. They’ll be making things better for you and your rightful consumption needs. And to keep it safe, don’t go looking into Rupert Murdoch.
Always be sure to work as many compelling nightly television series into The Regimen as possible. The moral dilemmas and exciting lives of their characters are directly applicable to you and yours. Take notes on their exploits as if they were your own. The ladies from Desperate Housewives may not always make the best decisions, but at least you can learn from them and be a better person because of it. Extract those values – they’re there for your taking and paid for with your cable bill.
And finally, there’s the iPod. You have an iPod don’t you? Anytime in transit is a time for iPod. When you’re walking to class, it’s a nice day, there’s people about – you’re iPodding. Don’t look at the people though.
This media component is the first step to keeping your mind off those unpleasant “issues” facing our generation. They can seriously get in the way if you don’t phase them out. Next time, we’ll discuss areas of modern philosophy and easy cooking, which nicely supplement The Regimen. ‘Til then.
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