I’m sure some of you are aware of my recent foray into the realms of dietary exploration. And let me say, I am glad that my plight has served as such a pedagogical tool for both students and faculty alike. Thank you for your touching letters of concern. They have resonated well in a mind, and stomach, fallen on times of instability and regret.
But like Captain Cook into the arctic and Sir Edmund Hillary toward the summit of Everest, I cannot and will not turn back in light of my unfortunate exploratory obstacles. Nay. New inspiration has arrived for my supple, na’ve motivation. A new and better diet has come to light. And with it, I will kill several unsuspecting birds with one delicious stone.
In speaking with my older, wiser and slightly more employable sister over the weekend, I was proverbially schooled. “Lucas,” she said to me, “that column was not very funny at all. But what will be funny is when you go in for a job interview after you graduate and the person asks if you need to have special restroom accommodations because of your ‘problem.’ Sharting, Lucas? Remember the Internet? Because of your big mouth, you’ve permanently discredited yourself in the eyes of all legitimate people.”
Wow, she’s right, I thought – and I was eating a hot dog when I thought this. Then I thought; I have to do something to re-legitimize myself in the eyes of the masses. The Internet is real. I continued to eat my hot dog in solemn concentration. When finished, right away I had an epiphany, a redemptive scheme of unmatched brilliance and cunning.
Everyone knows that hot dogs are both delicious and nutritious. You get your protein from the dog, your starches and carbs from the buns, and everything else from the limitless range of condiments and toppings you can apply at your creative whim – diced tomatoes and cheddar cheese, for example. There are so many.
Also, everyone knows that new age bunk, like trendy cleansing fasts, tends to perturb many respectable circles of hardworking American men and women – perhaps the kind of hardworking American men and women who will probably give me a job someday. I must redeem myself in the eyes of these folks, who are undoubtedly the type of rational people who love and appreciate the American staple that is the hot dog.
My new diet is for them… and me. Hot dogs, all the time. For one week.
Over the next week, if you see me eating anything other than a hot dog, call me a liar right to my face. Don’t even think twice about it. But that will not happen.
This next week is an ode to the Hot Dog in all its glory and splendor. It is truly a magnificent force in the world of the delicious foods. Writer Judith Collas has said that the hot dog is the noblest dog of all, for it actually feeds the hand that bites it. This is quite true indeed. Tom Robbins has referred to the hot dog as the “lone pillar of democracy,” and I think that means something too.
At the University, I declare that this week is Hot Dog Appreciation week, a celebration of the delicious American spirit embraced within that synthetic intestine casing. You should all have at least one before the week’s out. And if you’re a vegetarian, well, you can just fast and let me know how it goes at the end of the week. The rest of us will be too busy eating hot dogs with excessively big hot dog-filled smiles and laughter, not being hungry.
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