Story and Illustrations by Cam Giblin
Last summer I attended the Bonnaroo Music Festival in Tennessee. I entered the nation’s largest music festival healthy, happy, and relatively fit. A week and a half later a nurse was jabbing a two-liter IV into my vein to treat severe pneumonia brought on by dehydration and a compromised immune system. Had I known some of the do’s and don’ts of music festivals before Bonnaroo, I may have avoided the month and a half post-festival recovery. For the sake of your health, I list them below:
HEAT
Festival temperatures range from “uncomfortably warm” to “really freaking hot.” Heat stroke is a common occurrence, so dress accordingly. No matter how good you look in those black skinny jeans, you won’t care when you’re hospitalized.
SHOWERING
Nope. Most festivals don’t come with the luxury of running water. It’s best just to surrender your standards a few days for the sake of the music. You’re going to smell things you never smelled before. For the hygiene-concerned festivalgoer, there are some showers available. However, the lines are long and you could be paying around $6 for a service fee. Bar soap is cheap. Take a birdbath in the free sinks.
FOOD
Food at festivals runs at a steep price. Unless you want to drop $8 on a falafel, supplies are a must. Make sure you’re allocating your funds properly. Ignore what college has taught you; beer is not food. Beer is not food. When you have more Miller High Life than actual groceries, you’re in trouble.
WATER
Drink lots of it, like crazy amounts of it. The heat will suck every ounce of precious bodily fluid out of you. I suggest getting a CamelBak. These handy backpacks hold between 30 to 100 ounces of water, and come with a little hose that pumps cool water directly down your gullet. Think of it as a beer cap, only for your back, and with water.
THE BUDDY SYSTEM
Having a cell phone at a music festival is about as useful as owning a 1950s fax machine. There aren’t available outlets to charge your mobile, and the large number of cell users in one location tends to screw with any phone signals. This means you’ll be staring down a cool one bar of service, at best. If you plan on splitting up to see different bands, pick a time and place to reconvene. Festivals usually have some pretty clear landmarks. Example: “Hey. Let’s meet by the gigantic flaming ladybug.”
Bam. There you go.
SHELTER
Take everything you learned about building forts from grade school and apply it here. Tents are great, but can be stifling during the heat of the day. A few poles, some blankets, and a multi-pack of safety pins can yield a pretty decent and well-ventilated, shady haven.
FRONT ROW ETIQUETTE
If you want to get front row center for your favorite band, get to the stage several hours early. As each of the preceding performances end, many of their fans will leave. Use this brief window of time to bum rush the stage before the crowd reforms and becomes too dense to penetrate. I recommend walking diagonally through the crowd with your shoulder in front; it’ll allow you to slice through the crowd with the least possible resistance. Think of aerodynamics. It’s science; it has to work. Repeat this process after each performance until you get as close to your favorite band as humanely possible. Then sit and drool.
At the end of your festival escapade, you’ll be a smelly, sweaty, tan mess. On the flip side, you’ll have just experience a solid 2-4 days of some pretty amazing music. Ignore the heat and your hygiene; you’re going to have a blast.
Plan to try these tips out at Sasquatch? Check out our preview with four local bands playing the festival.
