Editor’s note: This satirical piece is part of our “Shallot” series. All content is unbelievably fake.
In a news conference held today, Bowl Championship Series Chairperson Graham Spanier announced a number of new qualification requirements that have been added to the BCS selection process. Many believe that these amendments are unfair and unrelated to football, but Spanier and his advisory board are backing them fully.
The list of qualifications include body odor level, average SAT scores, how fast players can finish a level “advanced” sudoku puzzle and the most controversial one of all —sexual prowess.
“We only want the very best teams to play in the Bowl Series, and only the two best teams to finish in the National Championship,” said a BCS spokesperson, “The expanded requirements are to fully make sure the two teams in the Championship are the best.”
With all the emphasis on human interest these days, being the best doesn’t just mean who is the best athletically. According to Bill Powers, University of Texas president and member of the BCS advisory board, it means who can deliver Hamlet’s “To be, or not to be” monologue with the most passion.
“The best team has individuals with the most well-rounded hobbies, personality and skills,” said Powers, “I’ve got the drama teachers and juggling club giving the team lessons every week.”
College football players from all over the country have been working countless hours, trying to dig up old SAT scores and practicing the Japanese number puzzle game, sudoku.
“I don’t understand these new requirements,” said Notre Dame quarterback Dayne Crist. “How does my weekly intake of C-SPAN have anything to do with my playing skills?”
Oliver Clozoff, a sex expert from San Francisco, has been called in to interview key players from each conference, measuring testosterone levels and probing into their sex lives.
“How well a young man plays the field directly affects how well he will play on the field,” Clozoff said. “It all has to do with testosterone and confidence.”
With bowl season quickly approaching, coaches and teams are getting more and more nervous about the new qualification requirements. Coaches and presidents of schools are rallying their players into being the best players they can be — and the most well-cultured, well-rounded human beings.
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