PHILADELPHIA — Lou, meet Alex. Oh, yeah, silly me. You’ve already met.
In fact, Lou Piniella was manager of the almost-great Seattle Mariners when Alex Rodriguez sold his soul to Tom Hicks and a serial baseball disaster, the Texas Rangers.
Piniella was accustomed to superstars running for the free-agent money, or being traded because the Mariners refused to play the big-money game. He lost Randy Johnson, the game’s best lefthander, and Ken Griffey, who was still baseball’s best all-around player before contracting a chronic ague in his ham.
The Mariners became a beta test for how a team committed to sanity not only could survive but thrive. Fortified by Japanese superstars Kaz Sasaki and Ichiro Suzuki — an expensive but brilliant acquisition — moderately-priced free agent Bret Boone, top prospects from the Griffey deal and veterans John Olerud and Edgar Martinez, the Mariners won 116 games last year. They set the damp Pacific Northwest aflame and sold every seat in Safeco Field. Ichiro was rookie of the year and MVP, an improbable Piniella quinella.
But the honeymoon turned out to be a weekend in Tacoma. Martinez went down with injuries and Boone didn’t come close to his incredible 2001 numbers. Piniella begged for trade-deadline help and simmered when nothing was done to bail out his scuffling offense.
When Lou’s club limped home third behind the A’s and Angels, it was obvious the next big-name Mariner free agent would be named Piniella.
Like A-Rod, Sweet Lou has chosen the worst possible baseball situation. Rodriguez chose the heat, humidity and historic ineptness of the Rangers organization in exchange for the comfort of a startling, industry-altering $252 million contract. The shortstop with Hank Aaron-plus power and Cal Ripken-plus fielding ability has been the best player in the universe not named Bonds during his two seasons in Texas and has two last-place finishes to show for it.
Free agent Piniella chose baseball’s worst franchise — by a light year — as his next stop. The money is dazzling for a manager — $13 million plus incentives for four years, No. 2 in big-league history behind Joe Torre’s $5 million-a-year deal with the Yankees.
The good news is Lou gets to sleep in his own bed. The bad news is he’ll commute to St. Petersburg’s Tropicana Field. The only thing more grotesque than the tilting Teflon temple of tee-hee is the team that plays there, the Devil Rays.
“For 40 years now, I’ve been packing for spring training. I don’t need to pack anymore. I’m home,” Lou said at his news conference Monday. Hey, all it cost Rays general manager Hedy, uh, Chuck LaMar for the negotiating rights to Piniella was centerfielder Randy Winn, the Rays’ only 2002 All-Star. That in itself represents a huge win — no pun — for a serial bungler who makes Mets clown prince Steve Phillips look like Giants guru Brian Sabean.
Lou’s new boss is the same guy who spent $14.5 million for amateur pitchers Matt White and Bobby Seay and decided shortstop Kevin Stocker would be a better anchor for the expansion franchise than outfielder Bobby Abreu.
Piniella is hardly the only manager to leave green pastures for what Vietnam war veterans called “the bleep,” which sums up the Shea Stadium scene.
Art Howe turned his back on the best pitching staff in baseball and two of the game’s top position players for the helm of a leaking tramp steamer Phillips put together in Shea Stadium at luxury-liner prices.
Howe is a helluva manager. You can see what owner Fred Wilpon, who defied logic by firing Bobby Valentine and retaining Phillips, saw in a blue-collar-type guy coming off back-to-back 100-victory seasons. But Howe, who was the Mets’ second choice after Piniella, had some serious talent in Oakland. Like Piniella in Seattle, he lost a trio of high-profile stars in Jason Giambi, Johnny Damon and Jason Isringhausen, but never skipped a beat.
Now, he’s stuck with Mo Vaughn, his vast body and vaster contract. His outfield is a defensive joke and doesn’t hit many home runs. His shortstop is a non-hitting, mustard-engorged hot-dog, and his free-agent third baseman, Gar Alfonzo, could wind up with the Phillies.
Maybe Art can get into the head of prematurely old second baseman Roberto Alomar while managing an MLB all-star team in the annual Japan exhibition tour. One season, Alomar was a mortal-lock, first-ballot Hall of Fame selection. The next, it was hard to tell him from Marlon Anderson. As for Mets pitching, a staggering number of stiffs who faltered for Valentine are on the free-agent list — including Pedro Astacio (Mets option), Jeff D’Amico, Mark Guthrie, Steve Reed and Steve Trachsel.
Howe will have an equal say in personnel decisions, according to Phillips. Which is like getting half a blank check from Rodney Dangerfield.
There is still an empty chair in this game of High Roller Free Agent Manager reserved for Dusty Baker.
It appears that when the music stops, the genius of McCovey Cove will take a seat in the Mariners’ dugout. Batboys R Us is poised to move north.