Asking for a Friend is the Daily Emerald’s sex and relationship column. Em Chan answers anonymous questions about anything from how to date during quarantine to how to heal a broken heart. Submit a question here.
“How can you learn how to love if you were never loved when you were growing up? How do you learn to not screw love up when you never had a good example of what love should look like? Help me.”
— Scared to screw up
Dear Scared,
It breaks my heart to read that you feel like you were never loved. I hope you have people in your life now who love and care for you, even if just platonically. Your lack of experience does not define how you are or will be in a relationship. If anything, your self-awareness and willingness to learn about and avoid toxic behaviors is extremely commendable, since not many process their past experiences thoroughly enough.
Before I get to personal advice, I’m going to let you in on a little secret: everyone fears screwing up love.
Of course, your situation is different because of your “lack” of knowing how, but I think being aware that everyone is scared to a degree helps level out the field a bit. Also, be aware that there is no singular “good” example of what love should look like — people show their love in different ways. There’s even a test that determines your “love language,” or which way you show love most often.
However, before you even start any kind of relationship, you need to ask yourself a few questions. How do you want to receive affection from other people, and what can other people say or do that would make you feel respected, cared for or understood? How do you show affection and care? And — most importantly — at what behaviors do you draw the line, whether they are your behaviors or that of your hypothetical date? You probably have some ideas, but think about behaviors beyond your day-to-day scenarios, in more serious situations like in an argument, concerning sexual activity and in the company of friends and family.
This line of questions might not seem like conventional advice, because most popular culture ingrains in us that love is shown in only a few ways. Some popular (but overrated and cliche) ways include giant, expensive gifts and extravagant romantic acts. The commonality between the two of them is that realistically, people don’t do them often, nor do they feel fulfilled or loved by those acts. Some people truly do love receiving gifts or having lavish displays of romance heaped onto them, but what actually counts is how you feel during and after these displays.
Love can basically be boiled down to just one thing: respect. I haven’t forgotten that you asked about not knowing what it feels like to be loved and having no good examples, but the truth is love and respect go hand in hand. You should be able to substitute “respect” into any sentence or sentiment that has love in it. I know it might sound like a hot take, but the relationships that I have seen last the longest — romantic and platonic — have all been founded on strong, mutual respect.
Think of how you feel when people treat you with respect; that can look like acknowledging your point of view, kindly disagreeing and more. Overall, respect looks like healthy boundaries, open-mindedness, compassion and most of all trust. Trust that you can talk to the person openly without judgement. Trust that when you make mistakes they can help guide or support you through fixing the issue. Trust that, when it counts, they will be there. There’s an obvious difference between the lengths someone will go for you in a platonic versus a romantic relationship, but the foundation for both still rests firmly on having mutual respect. Romantic relationships depend on opening up and allowing yourself to be vulnerable in a different way than friendships, but regardless, when such a high level of trust is broken it can cause a visceral reaction.
If you don’t want to screw love up, don’t lose faith, hope and (say it with me) trust in your potential partner. Remember why you fell for them in the first place and stay interested. Boredom, distrust, lack of patience, unfaithfulness and more can all screw up your relationship… but don’t let the pessimism of the “what ifs” and “could happens” taint your view of love. Love is scary and sometimes hurts, but love can also heal wounds you didn’t even know existed.
Falling out of love may hurt, but being disrespected can sometimes feel even worse. By only accepting love that makes you feel respected, you will be more likely to have a solid foundation for getting love right.
