SPOILER ALERT
The last words America’s least-favorite bachelor mumbled were, “Don’t get cranky,” as he embraced Nikki after choosing not to give her the ring in his pocket.
“The Bachelor” wrapped up its 18th season last night. Soccer star Juan Pablo didn’t offer a ring to either Nikki Ferrell nor Clare Crawley. Gasp! How controversial!
Yet to say that this was the show’s only fatal flaw is to undermine the show’s many problems. There’s the fairy tale ending mentality the contestants have, the paradox that every reality show is essentially fake and the unrealistic expectations that the show offers both the men and women.
Chris Harrison, who has hosted “The Bachelor” for all of its 18 seasons, repeatedly deemed the finale “controversial,” which is a good word to call a dating show that has produced three out of 25 couples from “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette” that are currently still together.
However, Harrison wasn’t referring to the unorthodox methods of the show itself; he was referring to this specific Bachelor finale. There are several things that are controversial: The 2003 invasion of Iraq, Pussy Riot and the pro-choice movement, to name a few. Unless every woman on the show suddenly leaves in protest of how contrived and degrading the entire process is, an episode of “The Bachelor” falls nowhere near the same category.
“This is like nothing like we’ve ever seen before,” Harrison said before a new segment.
What followed seemed like every clip from “The Bachelor.” A beautiful girl gets out of a car, embraces Juan Pablo, voiceovers ensue and then they hop into an ABC-funded helicopter to tour whichever tropical island airlines are offering the biggest group discount for.
Then the music changes: we hear a dramatic voiceover of Clare telling the audience that Juan Pablo said something sexually offensive to her while in the helicopter, conveniently when the cameras weren’t rolling. This perceived transparency is more likely a way to up the drama on an otherwise very boring two hours than it is the first time a bachelor has said something provocative to one of the women.
At first it seemed like Clare was taking pride in herself by even mentioning the comments. But when Juan Pablo came to her hotel, she went from being mad about the comment that was apparently so insulting that she didn’t want to say it, to giggling “Let’s play this song at our wedding,” in under two minutes.
So much for girl power.
The only person who seemed to have any grip on reality was Rodolpho, Juan Pablo’s cousin. Rodolpho summed up the entire problem of the show in a simple sentence:
“What’s weird for me is that in four of five days he might be engaged to you or to some other girl,” Rodolpho said to Nikki.
The expectations are set so high that it’s not even anybody’s fault if the show’s outcome falls short. From “The Dating Game” to “A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila,” other dating shows don’t even dare to suggest an engagement while “The Bachelor” expects it.
Other dating shows simply focus on the goal of introducing people and recognize that long-lasting love can’t be found in six weeks. Juan Pablo considered Nikki as an option, while she couldn’t wait for him to propose. In the real world, you don’t meet someone the first weekend of Fall term and marry them during your first midterm.
The finale offered several nauseating quotes, which help to explain the show’s 12 percent marriage success rate:
“Until he says ‘I love you,’ I don’t know if he does or not.”
“This could be the end of all uncertainty and the beginning of forever.”
“I may not know him 100 percent and he might not know me 100 percent, but I know that we have something special.”
You know a show is bad when you hope lines like those are scripted. But don’t worry, they most likely are. When Juan Pablo broke up with Clare, she rejected his hug and called him out, erupting in insults lacking in any speck of sentimentality and reeking of producer slime.
“That was tough to watch,” Chris Harrison narrated. He’s right, especially if you’re not a fan of bad acting.
The show ended with Juan Pablo telling Nikki he likes her for a lot of one-syllable qualities. One of them being that, “you are honest, just like me.” With an obnoxious wink, the show concluded.
Twitter reactions:

I’m confused what Clare heard and liked in that conversation. #TheBachelorFinale
— Sarah Boon (@sarahbboon) March 11, 2014

Juan Pablo: “Can I keep both?” Chris Harrison: “This dumbass is going to ruin my show.”
— Lauren Holm (@LaurenDaleHolm) March 11, 2014

Can I please just knock some sense into Juan Pablo’s head. Soo not a fan. Eees-NOT-okay! #TheBachelorFinale #TheFinalRose
— Jessica Harper (@JessicaAnn1014) March 11, 2014

Juan Pablo is a manipulative rude man. He has definitely been the most disappointing Bachelor I’ve ever seen. #TheBachelorFinale
— Shelby Newton (@newtonshelby) March 11, 2014

https://twitter.com/iCarley15/status/443234307612504064

This is what happens to guys when they watch the bachelor. Our brains melt.

Some days I honestly question why #TheBachelor even exists.
— Erin Lashway (@_erinlashway) March 11, 2014

Can we talk about how #TheBachelor is still a thing? Why, America, whyyyy?
— Jake Braught (@jakebraught) March 11, 2014

They all suck #TheBachelor
— Kelty Clothier (@keltyec) March 11, 2014

Chris Harrison is a better bachelor than Juan Pablo. #TheBachelor
— Emma Lapp (@Emma_Lapp) March 11, 2014

https://twitter.com/macgmg/status/443252293903732736

I don’t think Nikkie and Juan Pablo are actually together… #TheBachelorFinale
— Jen McDevitt (@jenmcdevitt) March 11, 2014