Opinion: Coachella announced it won’t require masks or vaccination proof at the event, doubling as the super fun super spreader of the new variant that will definitely happen, no doubt.

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While I appreciate this month’s rations of normal life, years in this pandemic have taught me it will only be a brief wait for the next variant.
This term, most students celebrated classes feeling like college again, yet pessimists like myself are waiting for the catch; more accurately, some new bug to catch. 
While diehard coronavirus fans wait to see if Omicron: The Sequel can live up to its predecessor, Coachella stepped up and volunteered to host this round’s new variant. Festival attendees will not be required to follow any COVID-19 restrictions this year: no masks or proof of vaccination. With that, many people together without proper safety measures, it seems we’re bound to be punished for trying to have that much fun.
With a high degree of certainty, I offer my predictions for the next stage of the pandemic: the Coachella variant, a festering festival infection, will take form at the Southern California festival grounds.
Transmission of this new variant will resemble familiar fan-favorite variants, along with innovative and unique pathways. True to its music festival roots, the main form of transmission will be through the exchange of wristbands. Fortunately, it will be much easier to spot that awkward wristband handshake festival-goers do than a cough. If a stranger approaches you, interlocks their fingers with yours and attempts to place items on your person, consider feeling distressed.
The incubation period of this variant will be slightly quicker than others. Symptoms will appear about four hours after exposure: the time it takes to leave the festival and get into your Uber.
Then, there are the symptoms of the Coachella Variant, which will differ noticeably from previous iterations of the coronavirus. Within the first few days after exposure, minor worries like profuse sweating, dirt under fingernails and wearing tassel clothing will occur.
Late-stage symptoms will progress more drastically, one of which will be called “full-lungs.” The feeling is similar to the shortness of breath that current COVID-19 patients report. However, the reason will be due to the dust from the festival and the incessant nicotine vapor fighting for space inside the patients’ lungs.
Another late symptom known as “spontaneous vibes” will be most concerning to those who experience it. Notably, patients may find the unexplained and sudden appearances of assorted tapestries lining their room without knowing their origins or meanings.
Those who have had COVID-19 so far occasionally report a persistent burning smell for up to weeks at a time. The Coachella variant will have an equally relentless symptom, although it will alter to an auditory fashion. Patients will perpetually hallucinate the entire in-store tracklist of the local Zumiez or Forever 21 until they fully recover from the variant or die. “Levitating” by Dua Lipa will get old the fastest.
Patients with the Coachella variant will report a sense of entitlement in that they will think celebrities want to be approached in public spaces. I can promise future patients, celebrities have way cooler stuff they want to do than talk to you.
Those who have gone to any festival or concert before know the characters that push forward into the crowd, willing their group to get closer to the front of the stage: the “follow me” guys. I suspect the Coachella variant will have a symptom that will reflect this. The “follow me” symptom will be recognized by the urge to rudely push to the front of any crowded space, which could be the line for Panda Express at the EMU or even a candlelight memorial vigil for a dearly departed friend.
Future treatments will be difficult to craft, and impatience will lead to more practical solutions. With certain groups relying on the horse dewormer turned coronavirus cure-all, Ivermectin, I predict those infected at Coachella will rely on Ketamine, a horse tranquilizer, passed around during the festival. It just seems like the next logical step.
Containing the Coachella Variant will be difficult, but this isn’t a scolding not to attend the festival just because of its lack of COVID-19 protocols. Do what you want to do, it won’t be any better or worse than the Miami Music Week variant, the Cleveland Browns tailgate variant or the Columbia 150 lecture variant.
Some experts suggest COVID-19 might end up being a continuous obstacle as an endemic, so maybe we should celebrate each other’s future variants. Personalized to our experiences, symptoms that mirror our hobbies, perhaps pride in our own versions of a deadly disease is the stage following the Coachella variant.