Opinion: Everyone loves a good story.

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Gossip is associated with bullies and high school mean girls pointing and giggling in the back of class, weaponizing negative information to ostracize others. Despite the stigma, we all gossip, even sometimes against our better judgment. As humans we are natural storytellers, and who makes for a better cast of characters than the people in our lives? What better settings than school, work or the bar? 

Loose lips sink ships, but that won’t be enough to stop me from talking about Stacy from work, who won’t stop flirting with Jason even though she knowshe has a girlfriend. Like everyone else, I love to swap secrets, talk smack and eavesdrop. Any conflict or embarrassing moment can create hours’ worth of conversation material among friends. And while the majority of my favorite stories come from my own life experiences, many also involve other people. 

Our lives and those of people we know are filled with wild stories, ethical dilemmas and dramatic moments ready to be shared with friends. So here are my rules for how to ethically vent, gossip and tell secrets without ruining all the fun. 
 

1. Know that the secrets you share may get out.

As a general rule, never tell anyone anything you wouldn’t want told to their best friend, significant other, or mom. Even after promising to keep a secret, any confidant will most likely tell at least one of these three people. The more juicy and salacious the gossip, the more difficult it will be for an individual to resist telling these parties, so it’s best not to ask them to do so. If the secret you wish to share pertains directly to your friend’s bff, significant other, mom or anyone close to these three people, it might be best to find a new confidant. Instead, if you want to keep a secret between you and the fewest number of people, try and pick someone with some distance. 

2. Your life is fair game.

Got into a fight with a friend? Have an awkward date with a classmate? You are free to discuss. Other parties involved can request you keep certain details private, but whether or not you oblige is up to your discretion. For better or worse, the trials and tribulations within your life are yours to share with whomever you wish, even if they involve painting others in a less-than-flattering light.

3.  Avoid public shaming.

While your life is fair game, it is also best to avoid publicly embarrassing another person. While it might be alright to tell one person the embarrassing secret you found out about a coworker, it’s not alright to share it with a group of seven in the break room. In general, avoid airing someone’s dirty laundry in big groups or on social media. No one wants to be publicly humiliated, even if they aren’t there to witness it. If a story or secret involving another person must be shared with a group, avoid using names or identifying information. For any musicians, writers or influencers out there, do not stoke speculation about who a song/novel/storytime is about, even if it’s that ex that you hate. 

4. It’s okay to exaggerate a story, but only under particular circumstances.

Sometimes, a few edits can take a story from good to great. As a storyteller, I wish to craft the most interesting listening experience for my audience. If the story I wish to tell is still mostly true, is it okay to exaggerate or leave out certain details? Am I allowed to paint myself as an unproblematic hero and leave out nuances that would make the situation a little more complicated? 

It depends. If the story is about a heroic deed or impressive achievement, it is okay to exaggerate to make yourself look even better, provided your account has some basis in truth. If the story pertains to a conflict, throwing an acquaintance under the bus is also okay to make yourself look better, especially if the said acquaintance is someone your confidant will most likely never meet. However, when discussing a conflict between you and a friend, it is best to be honest about what occurred, especially when discussing the incident with any mutual friends. In general, don’t directly lie while telling a story or answering any questions about it-  omissions and exaggerations are the only acceptable forms of deception.  

5. Take everything with a grain of salt.

Even the most trusted source is fallible. Therefore take what others say with a grain of salt. Don’t presume that anyone is being completely honest when they tell you about a conflict they had or how crazy their ex was. Never completely dismiss someone until you hear their version of events, as there are multiple sides to every story. Even when someone is being entirely honest when recalling a conversation, argument or interaction they had with another, memory is imperfect. Even the most impartial storyteller will leave out important context. Try to be kind to everyone, even when you learn unflattering details about them from others. You never truly know a person’s past or what they are struggling with. Most importantly, don’t join in on a dog pile, and avoid spreading rumors that can’t be substantiated. 

Now that you are informed on the proper gossip etiquette, feel free to whisper, giggle and vent all you like! Just don’t tell me anything you wouldn’t want my mom or bestie to also know.