Opinion: A global technological superpower using a big white balloon to gather intelligence on a foreign rival seems too comical to be true. So, what was it?
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In early February, a high-altitude balloon hovered through U.S. airspace above Montana, past South Dakota and then Missouri before exiting the states to the Atlantic Ocean by way of Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. Besides that being the most hellish layover experience I’ve ever heard of, it concerned U.S. intelligence as worry rose of the balloon possibly being a surveillance device sent by China.
After the U.S. military determined spying on international entities is our thing, the bubble was shot down over the Atlantic Ocean. While the balloon itself was confirmed to originate from Chinese airspace, the nature of the object is yet to be entirely confirmed as rescue crews recover the wreckage on the East Coast. However, the Department of Defense was quick to label the UFO as a “Chinese surveillance balloon” in briefings soon after the ball dropped out of the sky. The Pentagon even claimed it’s surety in it being a spy device days before it was shot down.

China was similarly quick to refute these claims, stating the balloon was a civilian aircraft that wandered its way over somehow. Fairly convincing as alibis go; I can’t count the amount of 200-foot balloons that have gotten away from my clumsy little hands. 

Regardless of the lack of verification of the espionage-ness of the object, media outlets have run with the “spy balloon” tag.
I just can’t see it being a spy balloon.

Floating a balloon to survey another country in the modern day simply is too stupid to be China’s actual plan. We’re talking about a country that has artificially created islands off its coast to act as military bases. Have you heard of satellites? They have a few of those. A TIME article suggested balloons might have an advantage of lower detectability by radar over most surveillance satellites, but that also just doesn’t make sense. U.S. intelligence reportedly tracked the entire flight path of the balloon since it lifted off from Hainan Island.

If China really wanted information on the U.S., they’d just take what data TikTok has been collecting in America for years. With the way the general American public adores oversharing on that app, they’d have all they’d need in a heartbeat. You complaining about your dumb boyfriend no one cares about on that app is directly contributing to America losing an informational cold war with China.

People are concerned the balloon got a look at some U.S. nuclear missile silos, which would honestly be a disaster. Could you imagine if the world found out our little secret: that America houses weapons of mass destruction? I can find those things on Google Maps, and if that surprised China, maybe they deserved to have their bubble burst.

Sending a balloon over to spy on a foreign entity, even a fancy balloon, sounds archaic at best. I really can’t believe that was China’s best idea for the next chapter of espionage. The U.S. military would never do something so frivolous, and they certainly wouldn’t plan on spending 30.9 million dollars on inflatable intelligence by the fiscal year 2023, per Politico.

I’ve come up with more reasonable scenarios for the balloon’s origins than it being a spy piece from China.

It could have been an unnamed artist’s depiction of Joe Rogan’s bald dome. It could be the character Balloony from “Phineas and Ferb.” After all, I’m pretty sure that’s how the theme song goes: “surfing tidal waves, creating nanobots or spying on U.S. airspace.” 

If it is indeed determined to be military aircraft, I would think another global superpower not named China would be responsible for this. This move better fits the M.O. of the Bloons from Bloons Tower Defense. If that were the case, taking it down with a jet seems overkill. Why waste money on a plane when you could’ve just got a dart monkey or something?

What if the aircraft wasn’t for intelligence, but for transportation? Have we considered it may have been the Fortnite Battle Bus? This move was very brazen from China indeed, beginning the third World War by attempting to drop in Musty Montana.