It’s been five days since their last response, and an impending pit of anxiety begins to form in the pit of your stomach. The lack of communication triggers the worry that it might be a reflection of our personality, something we said or simply who we are as individuals. A seemingly safe solution emerges, the double text—a quick, instant-gratification method to alleviate our anxiety over the situation. It’s as if we crave the validation of a pursuit.
Why do we allow strangers to influence our sense of worth, disregarding the love and support from those who truly know us? What is it about human nature that leads us to be guilty of this at some point in our lives, with some of us becoming more enslaved by it than others?
The theory of objective self-awareness created by researchers Duval and Wicklund, speaks about the importance of managing stressful emotions and being able to be self-aware of one’s actions in a detached/objective way. To be successful with relationships and not let our emotions dictate our thought processes, “It involves assessing oneself as compared to others and then correcting behaviors and beliefs as needed. When differences exist between our ideal and actual selves, we experience unease. To fix this, we look outside of ourselves to others.” Duval and Wicklund said in a Positive Psychology article.
Shifting our perspective from automatically interpreting situations to viewing them as outcomes influenced by external factors reduces internal rejection. The desire for what seems unattainable often stems from a need for validation. Winning someone’s approval reinforces our perceived value. Unfortunately, we tend to gauge our worth based on the perceptions of those who don’t fully know us, often overlooking the opinions of those who genuinely care about us.
University of Oregon Senior Nicole McCutcheon said, “It’s easy to offer objective advice to friends and perceive a situation clearly. However, when it comes to ourselves, we often delve into rabbit holes, attempting to unravel the reasons behind a situation.”
What unfolds after a pursuit when we successfully win someone over? Does our value suddenly escalate, despite remaining the same individuals we were at the outset? Does someone else’s opinion determine whether we are likable or unlikable individuals? An intriguing phenomenon we often ponder is this: if we are inherently likable, should there be any reason for someone not to appreciate us?
In the realm of dating, numerous factors contribute to the potential development of a relationship, including chemistry, timing, and personalities. Just as one may not always feel drawn to amazing individuals, it’s equally plausible for someone not to feel attracted to you. The key lies in our response—whether we choose to take a situation personally or recognize it for what it is: simply dating. It’s a sifting process, a continual journey of self-discovery within the context of our romantic lives. Said perfectly in the Eagles song “Already Gone,” “ So often it happens that we live our lives in chains. And we never even know we have the key.”
