Last week I received a D on a midterm for the first time. I might as well have failed.
I suppose it was inevitable this would happen to me at some point or another. It seems we each have that one class that shoots every bit of confidence to hell.
For me, Introduction to Microeconomics is that class. I haven’t missed a single lecture or a discussion, I do the homework and I do extra reading from my text. Yet, despite my devotion to economic studies, I’ve still had difficulty wrapping my mind around the material, concepts my peers seem to pick up on in the blink of an eye. So, to overcompensate for my inability to understand markets, exchanges and equilibriums, I study harder.
I worried about the test a week before taking it. It wasn’t my goal to ace it (I had to be realistic). However, I didn’t think it was too outrageous to aim for a B. I wasn’t so concerned about the grade as I was with my ability to simply comprehend the problems.
I continued scanning my notes until the very last minute in a frustrated attempt to absorb every possible tidbit of information. However, once I had the 46 questions in front of me, I felt as if I had tumbled into a black hole. All knowledge relating to the subject escaped me.
I fear failure. Dark alleys, creepy crawlers and public speaking amount to nothing when it comes down to my potential in life. There are so many outcomes in life we cannot anticipate, but over the years I have managed to maintain a firm grasp on my studies. If everything else around me is falling apart, I convince myself that I can still avoid academic failure, which is comforting, but in no way healthy.
In attending school, we are taught to fear failure. Good grades merit kudos – honors and higher placement in our classes. On the contrary, failure is deemed unacceptable and often results in punishment. If we do well, we move on. If we don’t, we face deficiencies and even possible expulsion.
Since childhood I’ve been stuck in the mindset that failure is unacceptable. In second grade, I remember working for hours with my mom on a presentation about tiger sharks. I memorized my speech and printed out color pictures to show my classmates. I typed up an entire page of information I had collected while researching the topic. I was 8 years old. An A was not going to affect my future successes, yet I felt I had to do well.
I didn’t want to be the center of attention – I just wanted to feel worthy. I always had my nose in a book. I wrote, revised, and rewrote essays, poetry and short stories. I took school projects very seriously and tended to overachieve in an effort to avoid failure.
This part of me will never change. Though I have come a long way since elementary school, realizing that good grades do not define me and that there are some things that just aren’t worth the extra effort, I still become discouraged when I fall below my standards.
I am learning to perceive my failures more as temporary mistakes, as opposed to consuming letdowns. Mistakes are necessary. Without them, we could not improve upon ourselves. In the long run, the most successful people are actually those who have failed the most. They can better-appreciate the successes that they have had.
Of course, I will never be able to say my sub-par grade on my econ exam was beneficial. I would take an A over a D any day. However, as with other bumps in the road, it won’t be long before it’s behind me. This isn’t my first mistake, nor will it be my last. I’m just going to keep hoping that endurance and a positive attitude will make it all worthwhile.
[email protected]