Picture this scenario: You are at a party, bar, shindig or what have you, and you scope the scene for the hotties, acclimating yourself to the environment and mood of the social gathering. You spot a few potentials in the room, and then bam! There is the babe you have been seeking, no more than 10 feet away. You start to get nervous – or maybe excited – and you prepare yourself for a potential encounter with this beautiful creature. I mean, this person is the sexiest thing you have seen all night – possibly all weekend – and you genuinely think you have a shot at landing him or her, however you define it. Oh, but wait! There is also an animated hilarity 10 feet away in the opposite direction, captivating you with moves that cross Michael Jackson and the fat Star Wars guy on the Internet, whilst belting “Semi-Charmed Life” at the top of his or her lungs. Where do you go from here? Moving 10 feet to your left will guarantee extended gazes with the most gorgeous member of the opposite sex you can imagine, and 10 feet to your right will most definitely result in a night of buffoonery and silliness. As David Cross said, “Do I look at the most beautiful woman in the world or the craziest guy in the world?”
Folks, there is really no mystery here. The sexy guy always wins. We are way beyond “nice guys finish last” because anyone that says that is just a wimp – straight up. No, I implore that sexiness finishes first, and hilariousness finishes a distant second. Allow me to elaborate: I am the funniest person – aside from the legendary Wallner Twins – at any given party, at any given time. I dance, I sing, I tell inappropriate jokes, I hit on your girlfriend, and I have a great time. But you know what, I am also not sexy in these environments. I spend so much time making people laugh that I forget to stay composed, refined, and sexy as hell. My friends do not seem to have this problem, which is fine with them because I entertain them all night, while they work their magic on the opposite sex. In a sense, I have unconsciously and unwillingly become a permanent wingman with comic relief. There are worse things in the world than being as funny as I am – and I really am – but why is mystery, danger and hard-to-get sexier than a well-timed poop joke?
OK, that is definitely rhetorical but the point remains the same: Why is sexy sexier than funny? I feel that I have become somewhat of an oddity in that my preference in women factors greatly around the amount they make me laugh. Everyone wants their love interest to be attractive – personally if not universally – but how much gets sacrificed in the name of hotness? Look, I am no dog. In fact, generally speaking I find myself to be fairly-to-moderately average looking. Meanwhile, my friend Brad is flustering in his blond hair, blue eyes, sex appeal and overall game, but the fact remains that I am way funnier than he is. Sorry Brad, but it is true. Yet somehow, if he and I go to the bars or a party, the ladies swoon on him. He is like a magician – playing feeble tricks on the opposite sex – while I am dressed in a hilarious “go America” ensemble and suggestively shaking to Led Zeppelin.
Lately, I have been noticing my funniness is becoming an increasing problem. Ladies just find me funny and cute in the bloated Chris Farley sense. This is not good, people. Evidently, humor is officially dead at the University, and a quality sense of humor is no longer a prerequisite for the opposite sex, but rather an added bonus if it exists. So in recent weeks, I have begun an attempt to increase my personal sexiness and decrease silly dancing. Another friend, Dong, suggests that there is simply nothing I can do about it. I am meant to be funny and silly, and there is no way I will ever be found sexy in a wild-party environment, simply because it is the way I am. I exist in fun environments to ensure that other people are having a good time.
Maybe Dong is right. Maybe hilarity will make a significant return into people’s lists of attraction, and there is no reason to fight it. But if you are still one of the few funny people, let me say this: Never give up; never surrender. Other funny people exist, and people like me still find a funny woman the sexiest kind on the planet. I will never cease to be funny in order to be classically sexy, and if you think you fall into this category of undersexed local comedians, just remember that happiest couples I have ever met are typically the funniest. For a good laugh: Facebook me.
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