“Everybody’s Free (To Wear Sunscreen)” was an important moment in my life. Not because it’s a good song – it’s not – but because it introduced me to the idea of commencement speeches. And yes, I’m aware it is not in fact a commencement speech. It’s lyrics come from a column in The Chicago Tribune. Ever since I heard that song I’ve wanted to give a commencement speech. But since I am neither a celebrity nor an accomplished public figure I’ll just have to use this last column as my own mini commencement speech, but with a University twist. And since my inspiration is not actually a commencement speech, this one won’t be either. Instead, I’ll give those who are left here the best advice I can give. And I promise I’ll try, almost certainly unsuccessfully, to not be preachy.
Firstly, and most importantly, figure out a way of dealing with Frog. Others may say that being yourself or finding out what you want to do with your life is the most important thing you can accomplish here. But learning how to deal with colorful characters like Frog is an important skill in a town filled with them. Four years in and I’m still awkwardly and demurely smiling while looking down, desperately trying to find something else to focus on. I wish I had developed a way to deal with Frog that didn’t make me look like a geisha.
Of course, there is another method of dealing with Frog, though it doesn’t work very well, and that is to constantly walk with an iPod. This not only helps with pretending that you can’t hear about “the world’s funniest joke books,” but it also helps avoid the ubiquitous political activists roaming around campus, preying on the weak and headphone-less. If you happen to get caught by one of these well-meaning, idealistic and fantastically annoying activists, then let me give you your answer: No. I know they stand for the right things, but your signature, and subsequent five minute lecture, won’t really help their cause. Do you believe in a cause? Donate your time and money, not your signature.
But, of course, college life doesn’t stop on campus, so my next piece of advice is to never turn down a social opportunity. Tom Petty was right (even though quoting him on your Facebook remains embarrassing), I don’t remember class at all, but I remember the time I spent with friends. It sounds obnoxious, and I suppose it is, but if I could trade in my hours spent doing homework for hours spent going out, I would in a second.
Which brings me to my last point: Go to every bar once after you’ve turned 21. I’m about to leave and I have yet to experience the nightmare I imagine Diablo’s Downtown Lounge to be. And I’ve never thrown on my cowboy boots and ventured into Rock ‘N’ Rodeo to watch University students pretend to be rednecks. Nor have I ever gotten down at Taboo Nightclub. And although I’m confident I wouldn’t enjoy any of these places, or at least the snob in me hopes I wouldn’t, I can’t help but feel that by ignoring them I ignored entire parts of the Eugene college experience.
Oh wait, one last thing – although this pretty much never applies here – wear sunscreen.
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