I need a makeover.

I’m not talking about one of those pansy salon makeovers, with the manicure and the pedicure. I’m talking scalpels. I’m talking plastic surgery. I’m talking liposuction.
I need an extreme makeover.
My television box told me so. MTV told me “I Want a Famous Face.” FOX told me to be “The Swan.” And, of course, ABC told me to get that “Extreme Makeover.”
America is obsessed with this new, twisted brand of reality television. “The Swan” is a ratings hit for FOX. It takes ugly women, makes them over extreme-style, and enters them into a beauty pageant in the final episode. This past week it was the network’s third-highest-rated show, behind only “American Idol” and “24.”
For America, these television shows offer the ultimate rags-to-riches tale. It’s Cinderella in prime time. With scalpels.
The worst of the batch, by far, is “I Want a Famous Face.” Thankfully, the show is no longer on the air. But when it was on, it was gnarly. Really gnarly. The show’s subjects all wanted to resculpt their bodies so they could look like a pop singer or a hot actor. MTV claimed to be “documenting a phenomenon.”
And document they did. Blood flew. Lines were drawn on various body parts. Boobs were lifted. It was horrendous. I couldn’t look. It got to the point where if I saw the show’s logo, even if it was a commercial, I had to change it. Even C-SPAN would be better.
One of the famous subjects was Kate Winslet. “Jennette” from Florida wanted to look like the British actress, who isn’t even hot, in my humble opinion. But that’s a different story. Jennette got her tummy tucked and her boobs lifted.
“I would do the whole thing over in a heartbeat,” Jennette told MTV.com after the show. “I can’t even begin to tell you how worth it, the whole surgery, was.”
Winslet, though, wouldn’t do it over in a heartbeat after watching the show. She told the London Times she felt obligated to watch. Imagine watching somebody endure severe pain in order to have your tummy. Kate Winslet knows what that’s all about.
“I just felt so powerless,” Winslet told the London paper. “I certainly don’t have breasts like the ones she ended up with. Trust me. She had slabs of her stomach taken out. Liposuction! What the f— is going on?”
Exactly. What is going on? Why would people torture themselves medieval-style just to look like Brad Pitt or Jennifer Lopez? Why would people endure surgery and weeks in the hospital to look a little better? What happened to inner beauty?
People say that “Extreme Makeover” is acceptable because the people on that show are Hunchback-of-Notre-Dame ugly. They’re can’t-go-outside ugly. Obviously, I’m beautiful, so I don’t know about that kind of ugliness. That was a joke.
But in a perfect world, looks shouldn’t matter. Heck, even Quasimodo gets the girl in the end. Sort of. So why can’t people just be happy with where they are? So you’re ugly. You don’t look like Jennifer Aniston or Andy Roddick. So what? Get over it.
I guess I’m just idealistic. These makeover shows crush my ideals. So I’m going to go on “The Swan” and I’m going to beat the skirts off those girls. I think I would look good as any woman.
How about that for a makeover?