Which is better? Duck football or basketball? Tough call. Or is it?

Oh yes, as a freshman I thought there was no sports arena better than Autzen Stadium, a large mound of dirt with a football stadium inside. Of course that all changed when they started landscaping the side of the mound, building skyboxes and pushing student pre-season seats toward the end zone. Those first years I could storm the field, but now there’s a “moat” separating the students from the field, just to make sure they keep their distance.
Now compare that to Mac Court. Sure, the basket doesn’t shake as much as it used to, but at least they didn’t add a wall between the court and the students. Nope. In fact, you’re so close to the action that you can still get hit in the face with the peanuts Phil Knight throws at the students. You and Phil are practically sitting in the same seat, and you know your student incidental fees aren’t costing you as much as Phil’s courtside seat is costing him.
It’s the common man’s arena. The second-oldest in the country. You take your life in your hands just being there, and if you want to get a seat in the front, you only have to be smashed and pummeled for about 30 feet; at Autzen you have to trek up some inclines, only to have to race down the steps back to field level.
But basketball isn’t superior to football just because of the arena. No, what about the overall fan experience, including the halftime show? While I’m sure the OMB’s rendition of “Earth, Wind and Fire” moved many of us to tears, they’ve got nothing on those unicycle kids. That is some pure talent. Or what about the juggling kids? Any time we can label a child playing with sharp knives as entertainment is pretty exciting.
And what about the marketing games for fans? I seem to remember at the football game something about trying to throw a Frisbee so that it lands inside the “O.” Whatever the object of the game was, it doesn’t matter. It was lame. Compare that with the Pepsi Shootout. This year not only did two girls win — maybe with a granny shot or two — but there were the two guys, each with a broken arm, who managed to hit more threes than the team with four able arms. That’s good stuff. And let’s not forget Bingo.
And what about the marketing slogans for each team? I can stomach “Luke Both Ways” a little easier than “Big Fun.” I’m not even sure what that means. I guess it sort of summarizes the year for Duck football, since a felon joined the team and Junior Siavii was arrested for allegedly committing battery assault. Oh yes, that is some “Big Fun!”
Of course the basketball team has always been a lot tamer, speaking at Young Life events and whatnot. Sure, Donald attacked another mascot one time, but hey, that’s what happens when you break the golden rule of taking off a mascot’s head. Of course, Mandrake took off his own head when he slammed into the basketball goal’s rim in an attempt to make an acrobatic dunk. Watching that thing hatch at Autzen Stadium may have been one of the darkest days in Duck football. Luckily they rarely bring him out at basketball games. If the absence of Mandrake isn’t enough to like basketball more, I don’t know what is.
Also, basketball gives you two games a week, so if we lose to Portland on Thursday, ideally we only have to wait until Sunday to redeem ourselves. In football, you’re going to have to wait a good, long week.
The time factor has got to play an important role, too. Apparently we’ve never figured out what exactly “offsides” is, since it feels like we get penalized with it every other play in football, dragging the game on for hours. Of course you could say the same thing about the basketball team never learning what constitutes a foul. “You can’t spell foul without Flo,” I’d always say. Flo Hartenstein fouled more often than Anthony Norwood/Lever changed his name, but how can you dislike Flo? He’s a world traveler from Germany and Springfield.
While I can forgive Flo, there are some people on the football team I just can’t forgive. For instance, before there was Jared Siegel, there was Josh Frankel. While there was great amusement in the fact that his name resembled that of the character Ray Finkle in “Ace Ventura: Pet Detective,” it got a little tiring yelling out “Laces up!” before every kick. Blowing three field goals and an extra point all in one game? I just can’t forget or forgive.
When comparing the two sports, you have to take into account the heroes. There are always those players who suffer injuries, but heroically continue, because our bench is only one player deep. For Oregon football there was Reuben Droughns, who threw out the padding protecting his bruised ribs because he kept dropping the ball (key point). The same year, Duck basketball had A.D. Smith who fractured his cheekbone in a freak rebounding accident. He returned with a face mask a la “Bill Lambier” and looked more intimidating than any Churchill grad I’ve ever seen.
And the number one reason why Duck basketball is better than Duck football has to come down to the end. Every year we have to watch the BCS computer spit out the rankings. Sometimes our school makes the list, sometimes our school makes the list lower than we think it should. In short, the BCS is a horse that should be shot and put out of its misery. Here’s an idea: Let’s just put all the good and slightly decent teams in a tournament, where they play each other, and the students and Rick Neuheisel gamble on the outcome. Yes, my friends, there is nothing sweeter than March Madness. Calling those nine over eight upsets, which take no talent but bring all the glory, even if it is Utah over Oregon. Compare that to watching the Gallery Furniture.com Bowl. No contest.
So entertain yourselves in the fall watching Kellen Clemens without his sidekick, Jason “Don’t compare me to Joey” Fife, but let’s be honest. It’s just the hor d’oeuvre to the main meal: Aaron Brooks and Malik Hairston. So make sure to pack Mac, kids!