Winter is almost upon us, and it’s time for Hollywood to unleash another load of holiday cheer on to an unsuspecting public. Here are a few delightful bits of cinema verite, among other things, that we have to look forward to.
On Nov. 26 we have “Alexander,” starring Oliver Stone’s ego and a cast of thousands in a historical biopic about the Macedonian conqueror best known today for his steamy affair with co-star Angelina Jolie. Also opening that day is “Christmas with the Kranks,” which is based on a novel by John Grisham — always a mark of high cinematic quality. In a casting move that defies all cynicism, it stars Tim Allen.
Opening up December in fine fashion is “I Am David” on Dec. 3. The film stars James Caviezel in a non-messiah role, as well as a cast of unknowns that no one really cares about. Dec. 10 is dominated by a pair of potential blockbusters. The first is the brilliantly titled sequel “Ocean’s 12,” which stars George Clooney and 11 other people. The second is the also brilliantly titled sequel “Blade: Trinity,” which stars Wesley Snipes and a professional wrestler.
Opening Dec. 17 is “Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events,” starring Jim Carrey as an insufferable bastard who makes life hell for a group of children. Wasn’t this already made as “Mommie Dearest”? Also opening is “The Aviator,” starring a cast of Aryan youths in the story of the dead eccentric rich person, Howard Hughes.
Dec. 22 brings the “Meet the Parents” sequel, “Meet the Fockers.” It stars Barbra Streisand as a woman with an annoying, high-pitched voice. Also opening is “Phantom of the Opera,” a film that will bring all fear and horror of an Andrew Lloyd Webber musical to the big screen. Opening a few days later is some depressing art film or other and “Fat Albert,” a movie for all those children suffering from nostalgia for the animated television shows of the 1960s and 70s.
Coming Dec. 29 is “Beyond the Sea,” final proof that Kevin Spacey has no career left as he stars and directs the biopic about the life of Bobby Darin. Maybe Mack could take his knife and put an end to this tragedy, har har (please kill me).
January starts off right with “White Noise” on the seventh, a film in which Michael Keaton is haunted by the ghosts of all the crappy movies he’s starred in.
The pain parade continues on Jan. 14 with “Elektra,” a spin-off of
“Daredevil.” If the theory of
quantum spin-off regression is
correct (one “M*A*S*H” is equal to 10 “Trapper John, M.D.’s”),
than this movie threatens to rip the very fabric of space and time,
creating a black hole from which Jennifer Garner’s career will never escape. And the peasants rejoiced.
Opening the week after that is “Assault on Precinct 13,” a
re-make of John Carpenter’s classic directed by some Frenchman. Jan. 28 will fulfill the wish of everyone who dreamed of James Cameron being sunk to the bottom of the ocean, with the release of the
director’s new documentary, “Aliens of the Deep.” Essentially this boils down to 3-D scuba shots of big, ugly creatures better left underwater.
Speaking of things better left at the bottom of the ocean, “Pooh’s Heffalump Movie” opens Feb. 11, making a quick stop in theaters in order to suck every last consumer dollar possible out of the franchise.
Happy film going, movie lovers.

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