John Kerry will win the presidential election.
Forget votes.
Forget the electoral college.
The election has already been decided.
Just thank a certain Washington D.C. National Football League franchise. Well, that is if you want to believe in superstition and coincidence.
Since the presidential election of 1936, the outcome of the final Washington D.C. home game before the election has correctly predicted the next president elected.
Washington D.C. wins: The incumbent remains president. Washington D.C. loses: The challenger wins.
Not exactly the Gallup poll, but hey,
whatever works.
Then again, because this seems to be holding consistent, I have a brilliant idea. Maybe we get rid of the entire campaign process, gather the candidates together for the final Washington D.C. home game and solve ten months of uncertainty in three and a half hours.
How cool would that be? Let’s just use our imagination…
President: Damn, these pretzels are good. Too bad Laura won’t let me have more than one at a time. Go Cowboys!
Edwards: Um, John could you move over a bit? I can’t see the television.
Kerry (sitting in a brown cloth La-Z-Boy): Sure, John. I need a beer anyway. Anybody else want something? W? Cheney?
President: Sure. Got to wash these
pretzels down.
Cheney: No, thanks.
President: Go Washington!
How American is that? Democratic elections with beer, pretzels and a big screen?
Imagine how cool it would be to watch the game as a nation and then immediately witness the inauguration of the next president of the United States of America?
No time taken to vote?
Hell yeah.
This new political process already has some converts.
“I don’t have to vote now,” Green Bay Packer safety Darren Sharper said after their defeat of Washington D.C. on Sunday. “Don’t even have to go to the polls. Saved me a trip on Tuesday.”
This idea got me thinking. In what ways could we accurately predict other elections?
What if the Senate races were decided by the final count of chicken eggs laid on the day of election. Odd: Challenging Party. Even: Incumbent. None: The Green Party.
What if city council positions were decided by the choice of the local school principal’s color of tie?
The fact that so much emphasis is placed on events that are arbitrary in nature is slightly
worrisome.
Ask the Chicago Cubs: 59 years without a World Series because a billy goat, owned by William Sianis, was denied entrance into Game 4 of the 1945 World Series due to hygiene issues.
So if the goat had been hosed down before the game, the Cubs would be the modern day Yankees, is that it?
Would there be any need for goatcurse.com?
Come on, Cub fans.
The billy goat and last year’s Steve Bartman, Game 6 conspiracy theories are poor excuses for the fact that the Cubs flat out choked. Forget the
scapegoat (figurative) goat (literal) and realize that the entire team suffered from defensive fundamentals amnesia.
Maybe we could call it the Tom Emanski curse.
But instead, Cub fans need
something to hold on to.
I think plans are underway
to exhume William “Billy Goat”
Sianis’ body and burn it at 1060 W Addison St.
All right, maybe not.
It might have already happened for all I know.
However, in the President’s defense, and to give hope to Cubs fans, one of the world’s most famous “curses” was broken earlier this year when the Red Sox, who fell victim to the famous Curse of the Bambino for almost 90 years, finally won the World Series.
So, 86 years of Red Sox futility and 15 presidential elections have one vital thing in common: Streaks were made to be broken.
Sorry nation’s populous, there is no connection between a football team and a presidential election.
Nothing has been decided yet.
It’s just a happy coincidence.

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