We know it’s been done to death. We know it is shamefully lazy, corny and cliché. We also know that this column is all that stands between us and a four-day weekend. So we are phoning it in today, folks. Here is an emotionless list of the totally insignificant things we, the members of the Emerald editorial board, are thankful for:
We are thankful for the release of the first three seasons of “Seinfeld” on DVD. The string of terrible movies and unwatchable NFL games doesn’t appear to be ending any time soon; the “Seinfeld” DVDs, and their hours of special features, will save us from having to actually talk with our family this weekend.
We are thankful that we will be graduating this year. We are already so far in debt that even President Bush would be shocked. With tuition skyrocketing out of control and the student senate discussing increasing incidental fees next year, we feel sorry for freshmen, sophomores and juniors. The job market still scares the living shit out of us — no doubt we will be making minimum wage writing obits for a midwest daily by this time next year.
We are thankful for the ASUO. Its constant bumbling has provided us with mountains of content and hours of entertainment.
We are thankful that the Ducks beat the Beavers and now we’re off to some bowl game…oh, wait, nevermind.
We are thankful for SpongeBob SquarePants and his movie. We are thankful for living in a blue state. Red states might be a good place to retire or start a militia, but blue states are definitely the place to be if you are young and ready to party.
We are thankful that the infamous grilled cheese sandwich Virgin Mary only went for $71 on E-bay. Early reports that the moldy food item would go for thousands of dollars sent us dangerously close to a homicidal psychotic episode. Now our faith in humanity has been restor… wait… Ron Artest did what?

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