As the people who know me are aware, I am an arrogant, self-centered pessimist who is often mistaken for a ghoulish entity from “Teenage Mutant Turtles II,” but one time during the year I try to be a better person. Maybe it’s hypocritical that this cold, black coal of a heart can only be stirred by compassion one weekend out of many, but let’s face it — we’re all a little Grinchy inside. So, in honor of my massacre-happy ancestors for whom this glad holiday is celebrated, I’ll take a step back and focus on the things that have made life worth living.
I am thankful for my parents. Even while trying to stuff Tofurkey down my throat, they have been my safety net whenever I tried to glide on life’s trapeze, and I adore them for it.
I am grateful for my rights as a woman. Even under Ashcroft’s darkest reign, a wardrobe malfunction does not result in a stoning. It makes my brain heavy when I think that had I been born in a different time or place, I could not write this column.
I am thankful for Jon Stewart. He made my weeknights bearable.
I am grateful for the food on my table. It may be of the half-frozen, half-burned kind, but hey, at least it’s there.
I am grateful for my faith. Underneath my corrosive exterior is a trust that things will work out for the best. I believe that the world is fundamentally a place capable of changing for the better, an eternal march of progress that will not be halted by bigotry or misguided hate.
I am thankful for the theater department for bringing a little culture to our lives … and for the dollar-fifty movie theater and Adam Sandler for taking it away again.
I am thankful for small kindness: The anonymous person who helped me carry my groceries home when the bags broke, or the teachers who forgave my papers when they came in a few days late.
I am grateful for my health. I have had a string of coughs, sore throats, flu and God-only-knows-what-else passing through my system, but not cancer or AIDS or anything else fatal. I can’t imagine looking at myself in the mirror, acknowledging that the face staring back at me will not be a face for much longer. No, I am happily insulated in my cocoon of false immortality.
I am grateful that I have all my limbs. There are veterans that can’t say that, and even thinking about it makes me a bit of a coward. If Saint Peter rode down from heaven on a pearly white horse and told me I had to choose between losing both my legs and my country being overrun by hordes of barbarians, I would hesitate.
I am glad my friends stand by me. What I lack in quantity, I make up in quality. They are better people than I am and without them I would be a rag in a gutter, chanting old pirate ditties. Speaking of that, I’m also grateful for the roof over my head. And my space heater.
I am happy I have stuffed animals. I admit it, I have 30, and they’re hiding in the back of my grown-up closet where they remain on valiant guard duty, protecting me from nightmares.
I am grateful for the Internet. All this information at the touch of my fingers, but all I want to do is play Parcheesi.
I am thankful the Democrats chose someone “electable.” Because, you know, it was a strategy that worked so well. I’m also thankful for front-loaded primaries, because all those Iowans and New Hampshirites saved me from the trouble of thinking. I am also thankful for sarcasm. Without it, some days I think my head would explode.
I am grateful that I have control over my own body. I shudder to think of nations where marital rape is legal, or where children are sold as sex slaves by their parents. I am one of the lucky ones.
I appreciate being 21. It makes things easier. Uh, not that I’d do anything illegal or anything.
I am grateful for the University dance department. It has turned me from a pathetic klutz into a slightly less pathetic klutz.
I am grateful for my tax cut. I look forward to getting more of them.
I am thankful for my younger brothers. There is nothing quite like the joy of being flawed but loved at the same time. And God knows, at least they make life interesting.
I am thankful for spell checking. It has sahved me menny times friom making an asp off myself. Teh ennd.

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