Further from Perfection
Today at Further From Perfection, we’re accepting questions from anxious University of Oregon students
regarding the upcoming presidential election:
As a queer woman, I’m especially interested in what the candidates have to say on issues pertinent to my social situation. Who do I vote for?
— Unsure Student
Dear Unsure: I absolutely recommend the casting of a ballot for Mr. Bush. Sure, searching for the phrase “civil liberties” on his official campaign Web site produces no results, but don’t let that fact prevent you from supporting a candidate that is so obviously the one for you.
And sure, Georgie has plans to write discrimination into the Constitution by banning gay marriage, but really, who wants to get married anyway? Wouldn’t you rather just be single and promiscuous for the rest of your life? I know I would.
And about Bush’s connections with Schwarzenegger, even after his
heterosexist “girlie men” comment? Well, I say Ha Ha! We should all congratulate the governor of California on his witty remark. Making fun of men’s masculinity in order to threaten them — what a novel idea!
In terms of women’s rights, there is no better choice than Bush. The W stands for women. And if Bush had been born with a different middle initial, he would have changed it to W; that’s how much he cares about women. Even if he does wish to stick his head up into the vaginas of pregnant women and make completely uneducated decisions about their
fetuses, or prevent women oversees from gaining access to birth control, the W in his name sure does make up for all that.
My refrigerator makes a dripping sound in the middle of the night, which keeps my pet ferret, Killer, awake and running around noisily until 3 a.m. How can I stop this
racket?
— Nicolas Corlett, Client #664
Dear 664: I see the inherent question that you’re getting at. You’re really asking, ‘What smart decisions can I make in this election that will ensure Killer and I can sleep well at night?’
Two important issues to watch out for include our current military action in Iraq and the debate over the economy.
President Bush made the decision to “rub out” Saddam Hussein because deductive reasoning clearly indicated a link between the Iraqi leader and the men involved in the 9/11 terrorist attacks — consider their suspiciously similar skin tones and foreign-sounding names.
If Bush leaves office, can the occupation continue properly? Kerry has shown himself to be a steadfast supporter of the war … well, not of giving so much money to assist in the
effort … but yeah, the war was definitely a necessary measure after 9/11 … although, if he were in office, he would have waited for United Nations approval … (cough) Geneva Accords … (cough, cough).
Maybe we should move on to the economy, stupid. If you are rich, I suggest voting for Bush, as he gave the greatest tax cuts to the wealthiest tax bracket. I guess Dick Cheney’s multimillion dollar nest egg was getting lonely. If you are poor, I suggest voting for Kerry, as he promises to revoke said tax cuts and give more to lower income citizens.
If you are unsure of your economic class, I still suggest voting for Kerry, because, sorry Reagan, trickle down economics is still a sham. The wealthy won’t stimulate the economy if they receive more money, they will hoard it along with all their other millions of dollars. The poor, on the other hand, will actually use unexpected money, and therefore benefit the economy. Duh.
Which candidate was the most best-est in the Vietnam War?
— J.D. Everyguy
Dear J.D.: Television commercials are making it increasingly clear that neither Bush nor Kerry fairly served in the war. Bush was still doped up and surviving on daddy’s money, while Kerry was busy forging photographs of himself with the men who are now part of the Swift Boat Veterans For Truth. If you deeply care about the candidates’ war service, I suggest that you promptly stop giving a rat’s ass.
