Somebody, please, I need TiVo. Desperately.
It’s the only way I can keep up on all the sports going on right now.
Baseball playoffs, NFL regular season and college football. It’s a good time to be a sports fan but also a bad time, because it’s hard to stay current on everything that is going on.
There are so many things that I could write about that I can’t narrow it down to just one.
Anyone watching the National League Championship series? Anyone? Anyone?
I couldn’t very well write an entire column on the Blue-Turf-BCS-Bustin” Broncos of Boise State. After all, as soon as I make a “smurf turf” reference, the column would (and should) end there. But seriously, the Broncos have no shot to ruin the computer rankings with a Bowl Championship Series average of .4309. Comparatively, the BCS number-one ranked USC has an average
of .9912.
Not happening, Boise State.
I would write on the New England Patriots’ amazing 20-game winning streak*, but I can’t because the streak is over two seasons. Because Tiger Woods didn’t win the Grand Slam of golf because his victories were over two seasons, the Patriots need that dreaded little asterisk until they go 16-0 in the regular season. Sorry, technicalities. You understand. Daunte Culpepper and his pace for 5,651 yards and 58 touchdowns? See below.
So instead, I offer you a “blog” version of a column in the futile attempt to look like I understand all in the world of sports.
I’m glad Oregon got rid of that Andy Ludwig guy. He was a joke. All those fans sure were right. I mean, that new offensive coordinator sure is putting up some numbers, isn’t he? He got 1138 yards in two games. Wait, what? That’s still Ludwig? Oh. I guess somebody always has to be the scapegoat.
Barry Bonds’ trainer was secretly taped saying that he gave Bonds an undetectable steroid for the 2003 season. Are we supposed to be surprised? Bonds has been juiced for years in my opinion, and this is nothing new to me.
I do, however, think that Bonds is one of the best hitters in baseball. But is it because of the drugs? Would his bat be as fast? Would those
end-of-the-bat home runs still go out? I’m still waiting for the other shoe to drop on Bonds, and until it does, I will withhold full credit for 703
and counting.
Last week, I predicted that the Red Sox would win in seven. What I meant to say was the Red Sox will win in seven years. The year 2027. Seven decades from now. I certainly didn’t mean this year. I’m not an idiot.
Alright, I am.
With the Red Sox being down 3-1, without a pulse and delaying the inevitable with Sunday night’s walk-off job, my rock-solid prediction is anything but.
When the hope of the Red Sox nation rests on a miracle brace for Curt Schilling’s ankle, that’s a problem.
When Johnny Damon, the Red Sox leadoff hitter, has a championship series batting average of .056, that’s another problem.
However, I will stick to my guns and believe that the Red Sox will win in seven. No matter how ludicrous that looks at the moment.
How is everyone’s fantasy golf team? That’s right, fantasy golf baby. Trying to guess which players are going win the week’s PGA tournament not sexy enough? Apparently not for me, for I have failed to edit my team for the past five months now, and I don’t think that I am going to
start again.
Good news, however.
With a win this week, my public league fantasy football team has clawed its way back to the .500 mark, after beating the trash-talking “HE HATE ME?” which included one Daunte Culpepper and his 425 yards and five touchdowns yesterday against the Saints.
There are few things that make Monday morning at the sports desk more enjoyable than doing rapid fist pumps in celebration of a gritty, gutty win by names on a screen.
I know because I did this at 10:30 Monday morning with a 20 oz. Mountain Dew at my side.
I always take special pride in beating the trash-talker in the league. It makes the season. For the rest of the fantasy year I can walk around knowing that I shut down “HE HATE ME?” and his plans to dominate the league.

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