Courtesy
With summer over and the temperature creeping back down a to livable
level, the intensity of films entering multiplexes is taking a similar dive as the
blockbuster season ends and Oscar season begins. Here is a look at what cinematic
occurrences are going to, well, occur
during the next few months.
Opening on September 23 is “Shaun of the Dead,” a British comedy about a group of pub buddies who are forced to battle the undead. This promises to be the absolute greatest movie in the history of the universe. But if the animate rotting carcasses of former humans is not enough for you, the latest film from John Waters, “A Dirty Shame,” opens on the same day. In what promises to be his most offensive film in decades, the movie stars Tracy Ullman as a sex pervert. It goes without saying that it has been rated NC-17. Speaking of wanton depravity and loose morals, “The First Daughter” also opens on the 23rd, staring Katie Holmes in the title role. Just keep whispering to yourself, “This is not a Mandy Moore film, this is not a Mandy Moore film…”
To usher in October, we have movies about firefighters, serial killers and John Kerry all opening on the first of the month. “Ladder 49” wants really, really badly not to be “Backdraft,” but unfortunately stars John Travolta. “Saw” is about a two men trapped by a serial killer who chops up his victims. Ironically the film is being cut for theatrical release. “Going Upriver: The Long War of John Kerry,” also deals with mass murder, but of a more politically acceptable sort. Detailing the candidate’s experiences in Vietnam, it promises to make viewers crave a similar film about President Bush: “Mission Accomplished: George W. Bush’s Valiant Defense of Texas Against Communist Forces.”
Like a fart entering a crowded living room, October 8 brings in films starring Hilary Duff and Jimmy Fallon. The former, “Raise Your Voice,” is about a small town girl who enters a Los Angeles performing arts school to learn how to sing. Unfortunately for us, education cannot bestow talent. The latter film is “Taxi,” which could be voted the worst film of the year on the basis of its preview alone. It has something to do with a rookie cop and a cab driver played by Queen Latifah. Whoop-de-do.
The new film from “South Park” creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker, “Team America: World Police,” opens on October 15, much to the joy of every pathetic fanboy on the face of the planet. It stars a team of marionette puppets as an anti-terrorism outfit, and the rumors are that it might get an NC-17 rating. Can I get a “Hell Yeah!”? I already have a T-shirt for this movie.
October 22 brings us two horror films, the first a Christmas movie starring Ben Affleck (“Surviving Christmas”) and the second a remake of a Japanese thriller which will star Sarah Michelle Gellar (“The Grudge”). If you have to bet on which will be the more frightening of the two, bank on the former. October 29 opens with “Ray,” a biopic about the life of Ray Charles, starring Jamie Foxx in the title role. Wasn’t “and Jamie Foxx will become a good actor” one of the signs of the upcoming apocalypse? Somebody should check on that.
November 5 opens with Colin Farrell in leather armor, starring in the title role of Oliver Stone’s historical epic “Alexander,” along with Angelina Jolie. Decadence aside, the new Pixar film, “The Incredible,” opens the same day. It’s about a family of super heroes in the witness protection program who are called upon to save America from a particularly bad collection of fall movie releases.
November 15 has another CGI film for the kiddies: “Polar Express,” starring Tom Hanks. In it a young boy learns the true meaning of Christmas isn’t the birth of the Christian messiah and the salvation of mankind, but rather some crap about a big fat guy who sneaks into people’s houses and makes them engage in abject consumerism. Appropriately, the fifth “Child’s Play” movie, “The Seed of Chucky,” opens the same day, thus giving nearly every demographic something to gag about.
November 19 brings us a sequel to “Bridget Jones’s Dairy,” once again staring Renee Zellweger in the role of a woman. Also opening is and “The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie,” a film which opens old wounds for me, in that it reminds me that “Rocko’s Modern Life” was canceled.
November 26 will bring the latest film from Jean-Luc Godard, “Notre Musique,” to American shores. It’s the film which should have won the Palm D’Ore, but which nobody here will see because it opens the same day as “Christmas With the Kranks,” starring what remains of Tim Allen’s career. Also opening is “National Treasure,” for some reason starring Nicolas Cage.
