Many people have asked me, after reading my column, whether or not I do drugs. That is a fair question and the answer is no. Sure, I’m usually drunk when I write, but I refuse to take drugs, even marijuana, because I know that it could destroy my life.
For example, if you smoke marijuana I know that you will eventually get raped, shoot your best friend in the head, run over a small child with your car, drown a completely different child in a pool and give material support to al-Qaida.
I learned this, as I learn most things, from watching television commercials. For the last five years the government has doled out more than $600 million to lecture us via the boob tube about our drug use. And we love it. We can’t get enough.
Lucky for us, the Super Bowl is only days away, and you know what that means: New anti-drug ads!
I can’t wait to see what terrible calamities will befall those lousy bong-loving hippies. Sources close to the White House tell me the new commercials will show that marijuana smokers will contract mad cow disease, get crushed by falling grand pianos, get punched in the balls by Gary Coleman and buoy the spirits of Kim Jong-il.
Pot really is more dangerous than we thought.
For the sake of balance, there will be a host of pro-drug ads during the Super Bowl as well, including one for the erectile-dysfunction drug Levitra, the erectile-dysfunction drug Cialis, the erectile-dysfunction drug Viagra and nine Budweiser spots.
One commercial that you won’t be seeing on Super Bowl Sunday is a 30-second spot sponsored by the liberal group Move On, which highlights the fact that President Bush is plunging the country further and further into debt. CBS — which, if I’m not mistaken, stands for Conservatives Broadcasting to Seniors — has refused to air it. The Viacom-owned station defended its hypocritical decision to run anti-drug spots but not an award-winning anti-Bush spot by saying it was “too controversial.”
This wasn’t exactly a surprise. CBS is second only to Fox in presenting a pro-Bush spin on its news, according to a study by the Program on International Policy Attitudes. CBS also favors Republicans in its political giving, according to information gathered by the Center for Responsive Politics at http://www.opensecrets.org. And let’s not forget that CBS is currently lobbying the administration to push for new FCC rules that would allow it to grow substantially more powerful.
Are they suggesting that the White House’s anti-drug ads are not controversial? One puts the culpability for a rape on the victim and her drug use. Another blames pot use for an accidental shooting rather than the parents who keep a loaded gun in their desk.
During last year’s Super Bowl, CBS aired a spot that said smoking pot aids terrorists. (They eventually pulled these ads for fear that the excessive eye rolling would cause permanent damage, leading to increased use of medicinal marijuana.)
And if you’ve seen the ad where a group of black guys are hot boxing a beat up car at the drive-through window of a fast food restaurant, then you know I’m not exaggerating when I say it’s the most racist thing I’ve seen on television in a long time.
(As a side note, McDonald’s is running similar and equally offensive ads as part of its “I’m Lovin’ It” campaign. These ads show that being black and dirt poor is actually fun, like when you have to choose between buying gasoline or eating at McDonald’s. I love it when that happens!)
Adding to the controversy, the agency responsible for the anti-drug campaign, Ogilvy and Mather, was recently indicted by a federal grand jury; two top executives were charged with overbilling the
government for the earliest of the anti-drug ads, according to The Washington Post. The company already repaid $1.8 million as part of a civil suit but, amazingly, is still receiving taxpayer money.
What CBS fails to recognize is that an anti-Bush ad is the equivalent of an anti-drug ad. After all, our president is a walking “This is your brain, this is your brain on drugs” commercial. We should be warning drug users that they might turn into a dull-witted, monkey-faced Republican Texan. That ought to scare them straight.
The Bush administration is losing the War on Drugs for the same reason it is losing the peace in Iraq: It doesn’t understand diplomacy.
First, they hunt down critically ill medicinal marijuana users and bust them as if they were a Colombian drug cartel. Second, the administration pushes its pro-pain and suffering agenda in the courts, proving once again that the smart money is on the conservative devil on Bush’s shoulder and not the compassionate angel. And last but not least they lock up Chong, of the immortal duo Cheech and Chong, on trumped up charges, converting him into the Jesus of weed for thousands of followers.
The ridiculous anti-drug commercials are just further missteps in a quagmire of a war that we should have ended long ago. We are literally and figuratively blowing our WOD.
So when you see the White House’s anti-drug ads during the Super Bowl this year remember that your tax dollars are being abused to make those commercials. Think of Bush’s defense contractor buddies who are raking in your tax dollars thanks to the unnecessary war in Iraq. Think of the manic spending and spiraling deficits that our children will end up inheriting.
Think of all of this and you won’t need to watch Move On’s anti-Bush ad on TV; you will be watching your own anti-Bush ad in your head.